The word of the week is hiatus.
May 28 - Farewell, FBook!
It was time, and past time.
After thinking about it for a while, today I finally pulled the plug on
Facebook, deciding to step away for a few months and possibly the rest of 2018.
I realized this week that it's just too MUCH of a drain on my focus, and
there's VITAL parts of my offline life I need to give more time to... and it's
no fun talking to someone who's stressed out.
Which is me, and has been for quite some time now.
I'll be 'away' for a few months at least, checking in now and then for
FBook Messages, and most likely not 'fully' coming back until the end of the
year, depending on what I accomplish.
Don't get me wrong: I've fine-tuned my FBook account so that it mostly serves
MY needs and interests, and I've been thrilled to have found so MANY amazing
people I can call friends over the years through this magical social interface.
So it's not all bad.
Yet FBook has its downsides, which I'm sure most of you know, chief of which
is that it consumes too much time and energy of a day. I can get my news
elsewhere, along with much other amusement, and my interests can stand to take
a backseat from their daily tapping on my shoulder...
It's just too distracting.
I need to focus on writing, on getting a better job, and on my personal
life that's not tied to memes, SJW outrage, or correcting random idiots on
science points - fun as much of that can be.
So, while I know I'll be back... I can't say when, and that's a good thing,
I think.
May 29 - Staying Healthy
For the most part, I'm back to normal, physically, these days:
·
I can walk 10K steps a day with nary a twinge, though the
tendon under the ball of my left foot still feels tight most days, so I'm being
careful not to strain or push things while I try to 'loosen' it with regular gentle
exercise
·
My 'muscle burning' has vanished with daily doses of
magnesium( yay! )
·
I'm able to move/lift things with my wrists/legs with
regular effort and no pain, though after a long day sometimes there's a little
ache: not bad at all.
·
My anxiety has receded to low, occasional levels of
doubt, a 9/10 rating!
·
My chest pain, as such, is confined to moving cartilage,
nothing more
·
My eyestrain, especially my right eye, is improving,
albeit slowly for my liking... but my eyesight has sharpened thanks to the
Lutein supplements I've been taking for the last few months, and it's been amazing
to see the difference: the detail in my far-sight is markedly improved!
Still, there's a few things I'm working on. For the last few months, I
haven't been able to have a full pint of beer now and then, as I've had a low-level headache for most
of that time: it's part eyestrain, part weather-related, part stress... all
adding up to taking Tylenol too often, which I no longer combine with alcohol
due to the possibility of liver damage. No sense in tempting fate, however much
I'd like a drink of late.
In the main, the eyestrain is the thing bothering me the most, and I hope
that regular eyedrops( 2-4x's / day )will relieve the strain: if there's not
enough lubrication, then like any machine, the muscles are working harder to
move it around in the socket. Time will tell with that, and I'll keep an eye on
things.
Yes, I went there... and considering how wildly off my health has been for
the last few years, I'm glad to be HERE right now, feeling the way I am today!
May 30 - GlowForge Update
I've had to delay getting my laser engraver.
It's actually ready for me to pick up from the USA... or for me to have
them send it to me, for an additional $325 USD( plus duties and taxes
)which is beyond my budget right now. As is the trip itself, as I'll have to pay for the ferry cost both ways with a vehicle, as well as the duties and taxes at the border on the rather expensive unit.
As well, the air filter accessory, which allows one to run the unit indoors
without external venting, isn't ready yet, so I'd have to make two trips to
pick both items up from the States which is again too costly.
So I'm waiting on that being ready before I make the journey.
One good thing about the delays is that the GlowForge continues to be
refined; as you can see from the image above, the quality of the output keeps
rising by leaps and bounds. I'm keeping tabs via the Forums on their website,
where thousands of people post weekly, including many beta users as well as those
who have received their production units already... and all are quite happy
with the results.
Still, it would have been far better timing if the Glowforge had been ready
six months ago at the end of 2017 as projected, as I would have had a
functioning home business and been making a few hundred dollars more per month
by now - as I'd projected and planned.
But there's nothing I could do about delays except wait.
I'll get my business up and running at some point in 2018, but it's not
going to be a major going concern in terms of income for this year: by the time
I get the website running, talk to local businesses / interest groups, get the
testing phase out of the way and settle into providing value for money, 2018
will almost be over.
By 2019, I might finally be on
the cutting edge of things. In the meantime, I have thinking to do:
May 31 - Performance
It's the end of May, and I've been at my current job for 4 years and 2 weeks now.
Pretty good, as things go: I'm not leaving government anytime soon, but
it's getting frustrating not to even be hitting the eligibility lists for
positions I'm applying for... and it doesn't look good when people at stuck at
entry-level spots for more than 4 or 5 years. I'm using very little of my
abilities in my current post.
But, this job has been the best I've had in many ways: a great office
environment 15 minutes walk from home that's located in the downtown core close
to all sorts of shopping, restaurants and other amenities. I'm unionized,
meaning I can't be let go at the drop of a hat( and I don't intend to ever
be such a problem that I'm considered a liability )with associated
benefits, including decent dental and related health coverage( no physiotherapy
though, grr... )compared to past jobs.
Plus the work at present is a mental snooze, for good or bad, so there's
that. AS I've said before, it's the perfect job for a writer... and would have
been exactly that for me for the last year, if I hadn't had other major
stressors on my mind like my finances and my health.
Timing is everything.
On a side note, I had my yearly performance review at work yesterday.
More of a signoff, really: there's not much that I do that needs reviewing,
frankly, as if I didn't to it properly, it'd show immediately... and there's
little room for improvement in the processes that I have any control over.
Which is fine.
What came out of the friendly chat was my desire to upgrade my skills, with
an eye to moving on elsewhere: no problem! As I suspected, the ministry's focus
is on employee retention within government - they'd rather lose someone to
another office to help them grow than have the private sector grab us again;
totally understandable.
Which means that my work focus, apart from job searching / applications,
will be to look into improving my skill sets any way I can with training
available online while at work, as well as considering going back to school( paid
for by work for applicable skill sets )to get myself some solid skills,
likely in IT and leadership areas.
June 1 - Thoughts On Life 'Success'
Oscar has the right of it.
I've just been existing for the last ten years, even after I left MMart, and even after I'd written my novel's first draft. My life has been essentially in service of servicing my debts, and that's going to stop soon, one way or another.
Because my life doesn't exist to fund other people's dreams, especially bank CEOs.
I've also clung to my own definition of success, tied too closely to material things: a positive bank balance, the dream of home ownership, a newer car that I can watch get rusty as I don't use it much... all that and an aging DVD collection too.
Success, as so many - too many - people define it, is a game of comparatives: that guy has More / Better Stuff than I do, therefore he's a success! No matter that he's just as deeply in debt, despite having a higher income... all we see are the trappings of success, and not its core.
I've got too many trappings and no place of my own to keep them, save in storage.
It's time to stop talking about my success in the future tense, and start living it instead.
June 2 - Sit Back and Relax…
My weekends have been less harried of late.
Not for a lack of things to do per se... but rather due to my re-evaluation
of the importance of some activities compared to others, such as my
worry-vs-action ratio, which has been quite disproportionate for a few years
now.
So I spent a good deal of the day testing my shift in rationale by playing FTL.
As some of you may recall, I stopped playing FTL last year because
it was frustrating: a game where you can die easily and often, even on the Easy
setting, was too much for me to take.
Today, I simply sat back, and watched ship after ship explode in messy
pixels.
It was cathartic, in some ways: I learned from my mistakes, made better
decisions, and for the most part enjoyed what I learned about the game, while
letting go of the reality of each crew's survival: I won by learning,
not finishing.
Food for thought.
It was also my mother's birthday today; she's in her 70's, and given her
history of health issues, it's a wonderful gift that she's here with us to
celebrate and is in fairly good health at that!
My parents dropped by to see my sister and I at our place in mid-afternoon,
and we chatted about topics of some import for a while before segueing over
into some reminiscences as is our wont. The three of them left to see the
petting zoo at Beacon Hill Park after 4pm, and when my lady arrived soon
afterwards we joined them there, as the weather had gone from grey to brightly
sunlight and almost warm. There were almost a dozen peacocks strutting around
the area, along with some shaved alpacas(
dorky-looking! )plus ducks in a new small-size duck pond and the usual gaggle
of zany goats with a crowd of people petting them madly.
We came back to our place again for dinner, ordering in from ACCIO here
in Victoria, with some scrumptious soups, Thai salads and a chicken sandwich
for me. It was a lovely, relaxed dinner, and my sister spent the rest of the
evening watching movies with my parents while my lady and I did much the same.
June 3 - Hiatus
I've decided to suspend my blog for the rest of 2018.
Why?
Well, it's both simple and complicated, so...
THE SHORT VERSION:
Why the shutdown?
With my also leaving FBook, what I've done is to essentially remove myself
from social involvement, save by direct means such as phone or email( or
Skype? )for the rest of 2018. If I'm going to truly use my time to its
fullest, I can't spend 2-4 hours each Sunday rehashing how I'm going to go
about it; I've already done that for the last decade, and it's all still there
if you want, dear reader... an essay a week for ten and a half years is more
than enough to be well-practiced at my writing and planning. I'm due a break
from worrying over the same bones so long.
A lack of daily social involvement isn't a bad thing: I'm still
going to be here, doing my day job, and using all my otherwise-free time to now
focus on my writing. With a possible side of small business, if I ever get my
Glowforge picked up... but that's a different headache I'm going to deal with
this summer, I hope.
To summarize: I've essentially got the next seven months to myself, with
interludes for family and my lady love, apart from my current day job... and
looking for a better position at such will also consume some of my now more-sharply-focused
energies.
That should be all the distraction-free space I need for 2018.
THE LONGER VERSION:
Now for those among you who are really curious, I'll lay things out
pretty simply, and try to be concise:
I'm at a crossroads again, and there's no other way to put it.
One path leads me to more mental torture, to a loss of physical health( again
)and all the negatives that come with those two not-fun things. I can
continue to struggle with my financial burdens( which have not lessened
despite all my efforts for the last five years )as I watch myself age
towards a 'retirement' where I have little to look forward to save semi-poverty,
and will likely have severe health problems when I get there.
I'll keep plucking( not plugging )away at being a writer, finding and losing focus week to week as I deal with the Money Stress, Work Stress, Health Stress, Inadequate Success Stress, and all the other sundry things that keep me from being happy often.
I'll keep plucking( not plugging )away at being a writer, finding and losing focus week to week as I deal with the Money Stress, Work Stress, Health Stress, Inadequate Success Stress, and all the other sundry things that keep me from being happy often.
The other path? That's what I'm doing for the rest of 2018, and beyond.
Cutting away the distractions, focusing on my writing, and taking steps to
ensure my financial recovery are where I'm at: I'm done pretending that Things
Will Work Out If I Just Keep Working Harder - that way lies the first path
above, and it's not a good one.
Hell, the second path isn't ideal either, but I'm done.
Done, as in: I refuse to slide further. I'm digging in, pushing back,
breaking what needs breaking, and letting it all fall away, until I'm left with
what I need and naught else.
How do I know this is the right thing?
It's happened before.
Not this EXACT situation, of course... but I know the feeling that these
sorts of decisions engender when their time inevitably arrives:
It's an... absence of permutations: a quiet stillness inside me, if
you will.
It means that the buzz of the myriad possibilities has stopped, that all
the permutations have run down to one, and that is the choice that must be
made... and it IS a choice, still: take it, or don't.
I've also given thought to what this hiatus, and all it entails, means for
my dreams.
Am I giving up on them?
To answer that, I have to point to my tendency to 'be realistic' when it
comes to Hopes and Dreams... and also to recognize that what I Want isn't
necessarily practical... or what I Need.
For example, I've shelved the idea of owning a home.
Yep. Just not going to happen at this point in my life.
Sure, it's POSSIBLE in the mid-future that I might be earning enough to put
a down payment on a house, but it won't be in Victoria, and it won't be much
bigger than my current apartment anyway, so what's the point? I'd love to
finance a tiny house, but their time hasn't come here yet: the legalities
aren't in place, and neither are the models that my lady and I are willing to
live in, in terms of space vs. functionality - it's either a collapsible
two-storey or nothing( no loft!!!!! )like the one below:
I also don't have the money to do anything: no vacations, no badly-needed
computer upgrades, no savings for a rainy day... all the usual bits and pieces
of normalcy that most people take for granted, I've been picking at piecemeal
for far too long, and the stress of that has been telling on me, as I've said
in this very blog.
It's time for simplification to effect big changes, and I need the space to
make that kind of focus happen. My writing's got to come first, as it's been tenuous for
years now: the Flow state has been a slippery, elusive thing hemmed in by a
lack of energy from multiple distractions and poor health, and I just can't
continue on that path.
I'm done: time to make a bridge to cross the chasm of the future on my own
two feet.
If you want to say hello once in a while in the coming months, feel free to
drop me an email, and if for whatever reason you don't have that or my phone#
any more, send me a missive via FBook Messenger, which I'll check in on weekly.
Thanks.
Check this space again in the new year, and we'll catch up.
Thanks for stopping by; I'll likely see you all again online sooner than
you think if the stars align for me just right. Cheers!
