Healthy Paths, Halfway Points and Hiatus

The word of the week is hiatus.

May 28 ­- Farewell, FBook!

It was time, and past time.

After thinking about it for a while, today I finally pulled the plug on Facebook, deciding to step away for a few months and possibly the rest of 2018.

I realized this week that it's just too MUCH of a drain on my focus, and there's VITAL parts of my offline life I need to give more time to... and it's no fun talking to someone who's stressed out.

Which is me, and has been for quite some time now.

I'll be 'away' for a few months at least, checking in now and then for FBook Messages, and most likely not 'fully' coming back until the end of the year, depending on what I accomplish.

Don't get me wrong: I've fine-tuned my FBook account so that it mostly serves MY needs and interests, and I've been thrilled to have found so MANY amazing people I can call friends over the years through this magical social interface.

So it's not all bad.

Yet FBook has its downsides, which I'm sure most of you know, chief of which is that it consumes too much time and energy of a day. I can get my news elsewhere, along with much other amusement, and my interests can stand to take a backseat from their daily tapping on my shoulder...

 It's just too distracting.

I need to focus on writing, on getting a better job, and on my personal life that's not tied to memes, SJW outrage, or correcting random idiots on science points - fun as much of that can be.

So, while I know I'll be back... I can't say when, and that's a good thing, I think.

May 29 - Staying Healthy

For the most part, I'm back to normal, physically, these days:

·       I can walk 10K steps a day with nary a twinge, though the tendon under the ball of my left foot still feels tight most days, so I'm being careful not to strain or push things while I try to 'loosen' it with regular gentle exercise

·       My 'muscle burning' has vanished with daily doses of magnesium( yay! )

·       I'm able to move/lift things with my wrists/legs with regular effort and no pain, though after a long day sometimes there's a little ache: not bad at all.

·       My anxiety has receded to low, occasional levels of doubt, a 9/10 rating!

·       My chest pain, as such, is confined to moving cartilage, nothing more

·       My eyestrain, especially my right eye, is improving, albeit slowly for my liking... but my eyesight has sharpened thanks to the Lutein supplements I've been taking for the last few months, and it's been amazing to see the difference: the detail in my far-sight is markedly improved!

Still, there's a few things I'm working on. For the last few months, I haven't been able to have a full pint of beer now and then, as I've had a low-level headache for most of that time: it's part eyestrain, part weather-related, part stress... all adding up to taking Tylenol too often, which I no longer combine with alcohol due to the possibility of liver damage. No sense in tempting fate, however much I'd like a drink of late.

In the main, the eyestrain is the thing bothering me the most, and I hope that regular eyedrops( 2-4x's / day )will relieve the strain: if there's not enough lubrication, then like any machine, the muscles are working harder to move it around in the socket. Time will tell with that, and I'll keep an eye on things.

Yes, I went there... and considering how wildly off my health has been for the last few years, I'm glad to be HERE right now, feeling the way I am today!

May 30 - GlowForge Update

I've had to delay getting my laser engraver.

It's actually ready for me to pick up from the USA... or for me to have them send it to me, for an additional $325 USD( plus duties and taxes )which is beyond my budget right now. As is the trip itself, as I'll have to pay for the ferry cost both ways with a vehicle, as well as the duties and taxes at the border on the rather expensive unit.

As well, the air filter accessory, which allows one to run the unit indoors without external venting, isn't ready yet, so I'd have to make two trips to pick both items up from the States which is again too costly.

So I'm waiting on that being ready before I make the journey.

 One good thing about the delays is that the GlowForge continues to be refined; as you can see from the image above, the quality of the output keeps rising by leaps and bounds. I'm keeping tabs via the Forums on their website, where thousands of people post weekly, including many beta users as well as those who have received their production units already... and all are quite happy with the results.

Still, it would have been far better timing if the Glowforge had been ready six months ago at the end of 2017 as projected, as I would have had a functioning home business and been making a few hundred dollars more per month by now - as I'd projected and planned.

But there's nothing I could do about delays except wait.

I'll get my business up and running at some point in 2018, but it's not going to be a major going concern in terms of income for this year: by the time I get the website running, talk to local businesses / interest groups, get the testing phase out of the way and settle into providing value for money, 2018 will almost be over.

By 2019, I might finally be on the cutting edge of things. In the meantime, I have thinking to do:

May 31 - Performance

It's the end of May, and I've been at my current job for 4 years and 2 weeks now.

Pretty good, as things go: I'm not leaving government anytime soon, but it's getting frustrating not to even be hitting the eligibility lists for positions I'm applying for... and it doesn't look good when people at stuck at entry-level spots for more than 4 or 5 years. I'm using very little of my abilities in my current post.

But, this job has been the best I've had in many ways: a great office environment 15 minutes walk from home that's located in the downtown core close to all sorts of shopping, restaurants and other amenities. I'm unionized, meaning I can't be let go at the drop of a hat( and I don't intend to ever be such a problem that I'm considered a liability )with associated benefits, including decent dental and related health coverage( no physiotherapy though, grr... )compared to past jobs.

 Plus the work at present is a mental snooze, for good or bad, so there's that. AS I've said before, it's the perfect job for a writer... and would have been exactly that for me for the last year, if I hadn't had other major stressors on my mind like my finances and my health.

Timing is everything.

 On a side note, I had my yearly performance review at work yesterday.

More of a signoff, really: there's not much that I do that needs reviewing, frankly, as if I didn't to it properly, it'd show immediately... and there's little room for improvement in the processes that I have any control over. Which is fine.

What came out of the friendly chat was my desire to upgrade my skills, with an eye to moving on elsewhere: no problem! As I suspected, the ministry's focus is on employee retention within government - they'd rather lose someone to another office to help them grow than have the private sector grab us again; totally understandable.

Which means that my work focus, apart from job searching / applications, will be to look into improving my skill sets any way I can with training available online while at work, as well as considering going back to school( paid for by work for applicable skill sets )to get myself some solid skills, likely in IT and leadership areas.

June 1 - Thoughts On Life 'Success'

Oscar has the right of it.

I've just been existing for the last ten years, even after I left MMart, and even after I'd written my novel's first draft. My life has been essentially in service of servicing my debts, and that's going to stop soon, one way or another.

Because my life doesn't exist to fund other people's dreams, especially bank CEOs.

I've also clung to my own definition of success, tied too closely to material things: a positive bank balance, the dream of home ownership, a newer car that I can watch get rusty as I don't use it much... all that and an aging DVD collection too.

Success, as so many - too many - people define it, is a game of comparatives: that guy has More / Better Stuff than I do, therefore he's a success! No matter that he's just as deeply in debt, despite having a higher income... all we see are the trappings of success, and not its core.

I've got too many trappings and no place of my own to keep them, save in storage.

It's time to stop talking about my success in the future tense, and start living it instead.

June 2 - Sit Back and Relax…

My weekends have been less harried of late.

Not for a lack of things to do per se... but rather due to my re-evaluation of the importance of some activities compared to others, such as my worry-vs-action ratio, which has been quite disproportionate for a few years now.

So I spent a good deal of the day testing my shift in rationale by playing FTL.

As some of you may recall, I stopped playing FTL last year because it was frustrating: a game where you can die easily and often, even on the Easy setting, was too much for me to take.

Today, I simply sat back, and watched ship after ship explode in messy pixels.

It was cathartic, in some ways: I learned from my mistakes, made better decisions, and for the most part enjoyed what I learned about the game, while letting go of the reality of each crew's survival: I won by learning, not finishing.

Food for thought.

It was also my mother's birthday today; she's in her 70's, and given her history of health issues, it's a wonderful gift that she's here with us to celebrate and is in fairly good health at that!

My parents dropped by to see my sister and I at our place in mid-afternoon, and we chatted about topics of some import for a while before segueing over into some reminiscences as is our wont. The three of them left to see the petting zoo at Beacon Hill Park after 4pm, and when my lady arrived soon afterwards we joined them there, as the weather had gone from grey to brightly sunlight and almost warm. There were almost a dozen peacocks strutting around the area, along with some shaved alpacas( dorky-looking! )plus ducks in a new small-size duck pond and the usual gaggle of zany goats with a crowd of people petting them madly.

We came back to our place again for dinner, ordering in from ACCIO here in Victoria, with some scrumptious soups, Thai salads and a chicken sandwich for me. It was a lovely, relaxed dinner, and my sister spent the rest of the evening watching movies with my parents while my lady and I did much the same.

June 3 - Hiatus

I've decided to suspend my blog for the rest of 2018.

Why?

Well, it's both simple and complicated, so...

THE SHORT VERSION:

Why the shutdown?

With my also leaving FBook, what I've done is to essentially remove myself from social involvement, save by direct means such as phone or email( or Skype? )for the rest of 2018. If I'm going to truly use my time to its fullest, I can't spend 2-4 hours each Sunday rehashing how I'm going to go about it; I've already done that for the last decade, and it's all still there if you want, dear reader... an essay a week for ten and a half years is more than enough to be well-practiced at my writing and planning. I'm due a break from worrying over the same bones so long.

 A lack of daily social involvement isn't a bad thing: I'm still going to be here, doing my day job, and using all my otherwise-free time to now focus on my writing. With a possible side of small business, if I ever get my Glowforge picked up... but that's a different headache I'm going to deal with this summer, I hope.

To summarize: I've essentially got the next seven months to myself, with interludes for family and my lady love, apart from my current day job... and looking for a better position at such will also consume some of my now more-sharply-focused energies.

That should be all the distraction-free space I need for 2018.

THE LONGER VERSION:

Now for those among you who are really curious, I'll lay things out pretty simply, and try to be concise:

I'm at a crossroads again, and there's no other way to put it.

One path leads me to more mental torture, to a loss of physical health( again )and all the negatives that come with those two not-fun things. I can continue to struggle with my financial burdens( which have not lessened despite all my efforts for the last five years )as I watch myself age towards a 'retirement' where I have little to look forward to save semi-poverty, and will likely have severe health problems when I get there. 


I'll keep plucking( not plugging )away at being a writer, finding and losing focus week to week as I deal with the Money Stress, Work Stress, Health Stress, Inadequate Success Stress, and all the other sundry things that keep me from being happy often.

The other path? That's what I'm doing for the rest of 2018, and beyond.

Cutting away the distractions, focusing on my writing, and taking steps to ensure my financial recovery are where I'm at: I'm done pretending that Things Will Work Out If I Just Keep Working Harder - that way lies the first path above, and it's not a good one.

Hell, the second path isn't ideal either, but I'm done.

Done, as in: I refuse to slide further. I'm digging in, pushing back, breaking what needs breaking, and letting it all fall away, until I'm left with what I need and naught else.

How do I know this is the right thing?

It's happened before.

Not this EXACT situation, of course... but I know the feeling that these sorts of decisions engender when their time inevitably arrives:

It's an... absence of permutations: a quiet stillness inside me, if you will.

It means that the buzz of the myriad possibilities has stopped, that all the permutations have run down to one, and that is the choice that must be made... and it IS a choice, still: take it, or don't.

I've also given thought to what this hiatus, and all it entails, means for my dreams.

Am I giving up on them?

To answer that, I have to point to my tendency to 'be realistic' when it comes to Hopes and Dreams... and also to recognize that what I Want isn't necessarily practical... or what I Need.

For example, I've shelved the idea of owning a home.

Yep. Just not going to happen at this point in my life.

Sure, it's POSSIBLE in the mid-future that I might be earning enough to put a down payment on a house, but it won't be in Victoria, and it won't be much bigger than my current apartment anyway, so what's the point? I'd love to finance a tiny house, but their time hasn't come here yet: the legalities aren't in place, and neither are the models that my lady and I are willing to live in, in terms of space vs. functionality - it's either a collapsible two-storey or nothing( no loft!!!!! )like the one below:

 I also don't have the money to do anything: no vacations, no badly-needed computer upgrades, no savings for a rainy day... all the usual bits and pieces of normalcy that most people take for granted, I've been picking at piecemeal for far too long, and the stress of that has been telling on me, as I've said in this very blog.

It's time for simplification to effect big changes, and I need the space to make that kind of focus happen. My writing's got to come first, as it's been tenuous for years now: the Flow state has been a slippery, elusive thing hemmed in by a lack of energy from multiple distractions and poor health, and I just can't continue on that path.

I'm done: time to make a bridge to cross the chasm of the future on my own two feet.

If you want to say hello once in a while in the coming months, feel free to drop me an email, and if for whatever reason you don't have that or my phone# any more, send me a missive via FBook Messenger, which I'll check in on weekly.

Thanks.

Check this space again in the new year, and we'll catch up.

Thanks for stopping by; I'll likely see you all again online sooner than you think if the stars align for me just right. Cheers!