Movies, Memories and Mourning

The word of the week is memory.

March 26 - Time

Today was a very sad day for me: my grandmother passed away, aged 89.

She went peacefully, which is all any of us can ask for.

How big a part of your life is your family? What holes do they leave in your life when they are gone? These and many other questions ran through my mind today as I thought back on all the good memories I had of my grandmother, who was always unfailingly kind to me. Others may paint a different picture of her, but to me she will always be the one who dried my tears after a visit to the doctor's and whose calm British voice made every visit to her home one of relaxed enjoyment, especially around tea time.

Distance matters not,
Now that you've left us, to rest.
Be at peace; be loved.

Good-bye, Gran.

March 27 - My sister arrives!!!

Change is in the air; today, so was my sister! She landed here in Victoria this AM, having moved here to the Island permanently. She and I will be searching for a place to rent in the coming month, to continue my plan of total independence that I began so many years ago. It is our hope that we can find a unit in Victoria itself, as this time of year sees a LOT of places come up for rent as university students leave the city once the school year has ended in April. Having a place in the city itself is important for many reasons, some of which being transit and easy access to social venues such as Cook St. Village. Sadly, I had access to Cook St. Village when I first moved here, but I wasn't able to take advantage of the social aspect for several reasons: a busy job and a lack of contacts in Victoria meant I met few people my first year here. That has changed since and with the entirety of 2012 open to me to Be Social, I hope that I will be spending a lot of my time OUT of the house!

March 28 - Kindle and SciFi

THIS is the news I WANTED to hear as an author: that new methods of publishing stories is making it MUCH easier for NEW authors( such as me! )to get their work Out There and to find an audience! It's incredibly exciting to think that I don't necessarily have to languish on a slush pile somewhere for years; the New Media of today means I can actively PURSUE an audience. The harder I work, the better my chances of getting noticed and reviewed; building a brand is all part of the process of finding readers for one's stories. To be sure, I will still submit pieces to online magazines and try for other venues, but just to KNOW that I can break into eBooks( and do a better job than many of the current best-sellers on there )is a hugely liberating thought!



Sadly, my wrists STILL hurt this week after only a little effort, so I have been remiss in plugging at my novel, understandably. I'm investigating methods and exercises to get them back up to snuff while avoiding any future relapses - I'll also be using my voice recognition software to get basic draft work done.

March 29 - D&D no longer uncool?

Here I could write pages about how D&D was a huge part of my childhood, but others have done that far better than I can. Just recently I realized that it helped fuel my creative desire to tell stories, steering me towards finding my way as an author at this point in my life. While I wasn't the greatest D&D player ever, I know that when I was telling a story through the artifice of the game, I was in my element - and my audience, captive though they were, did experience the magic of being transported into the world I had created. That feeling is what I long to capture in my writing and is one that I always experience in the best stories: to leave yourself behind and enter the world that the author crafts through their words. Unlike any other form of storytelling, when you engage the mind's eye, real magic can happen. Believe.

March 30 - Wine?

Wine is one of those things that becomes common ground among many as we get older; like golf, perhaps, you can debate the fine points endlessly. Myself, I don't like red wine as the tannins give me headaches and in general I don't see myself as ending up with a wine cellar, cooler or collection of more than a couple of bottles for company. It's a BIG topic, for once you have the wine bug bite you then you can't really go back… and it's fashionable too, as you can spend an evening feeling sophisticated talking about wine, as opposed to debating the merits of beer. Hard liquor aficionados need not apply. All I want to know usually though, is how long that bottle of wine I've forgotten in my cupboard is good for. Thanks to the folks at CellarNotes.net, I can consult a handy chart to tell just that. Or, I could just ask a friend.

March 31 - Rentals and Gaming

After narrowing down the rental possibilities to about a dozen places( thus far )my sister and I went to see one today. Disappointing; it was only a few minutes' walk down the road, a newer( 2004 )basement suite on a quiet street with all utilities included in the rental price… and it stank of mildew. Sigh.

Tonight's NWN gaming session( a day earlier than usual )was fantastic! Five new characters were specifically created to game together as part of a new story arc, which incorporates each of their backgrounds into the overall plot. We had a blast, as there was a lot more roleplaying than usual with the group that gathers - planning ahead with new characters definitely paid off here! It was a big deal for me as well, as I am loathe to create new characters in NWN; odd for a writer to whom new characters should come as easily as changing socks. Perhaps I don’t like playing them as much as I do writing them, at least that's how I see it. In any case, my entire evening vanished in a happy twinkle as I gamed with my friends and let the world outside vanish.

Oh and today is possibly the world's most boring special day: World Backup Day. I've been doing this regularly for ten years and it's not exciting. But necessary.

April 1 - Not Foolish

Yes, it's April Fool's Day today. I didn't do anything or fool anyone, which I haven't for years now, not since my first year on the Island here. Not having had a fun workplace for the last few years might have had something to do with it. I do like browsing through the fun stuff that they come up with at ThinkGeek.com for April Fool's, like the Beta-to-HD-DVD convertor - fake, of course. I also liked the Inflatable Star Trek Captain's Chair, which just happens to be real and unfortunately sized for kids only; pity.

Click image for a full-size Coraline wallpaper!

No, today was very much a homebody day; I didn't end up going out to a party last night as it turns out I wasn't invited. Which happens and was honestly  expected, but it still tweaks a little Hurt Button inside me all the same. I myself have forgotten ALL SORTS of similar things over the years, so really this is just karmic payback - paying attention to the details is what I've learned from it. All in all, I've done fairly well in not unintentionally offending anyone in the last ten years or so - but if I have, would you tell me? There's the question… and finishing up the day by watching Coraline with my family really put the Weird But Wonderful badge on today. Next time: watching it in 3D!

My cold has lingered on all this week, moving from my throat to my nose and leaving me with very little energy until this very night, April 1st. Now that my system is recovering, I will be diving right into the rental search AND my novel work - there's lots to do and the clock is ticking for 2012!!!!!!!!!!!

CGI, Colds and Chrome

The word of the week is lassitude.

March 19 - Writing Cold

It's been difficult to write the last few weeks; physically it was painful last week and this week I simply have no energy as the cold has stuck full-force. Which stinks, but it's winter's last hurrah, I think. I won't be doing much this week save killing Kleenexes, resting and keeping myself as entertained as my fuzzy head can manage.

At times like these, I turn to some of my writing idols, such as Neil Gaiman, as they look at the writing process and how they face it some days when it's not as easy as it could be. Here's Neil's take on writing and the strange places it can take you, for good or bad.

Another thing that occurred to me today was to do something for the upcoming 250th blog post here in B.C. Beginnings. I've been debating what exactly to do… suggestions? It's a few months away, so there's plenty of time!

March 20 - A week to go for EI?

A week to go until my EI comes in; I've done all that I'm supposed to do and now it's up to the Red Tape dispensers in whatever office you care to name. It's still stressing me out, as I've of necessity had to become a person who believes things when I see them - too much in my life has gone haywire due to details large, or small, getting muddled. So until my EI shows up in my bank account next week, I'll still be on tenterhooks about it.

Once it's in though, I'll be all smiles, as it means I can go forward with my plans to write( and complete! )my novel in the next six months. Along with the accompanying IP( intellectual property )development, marketing plan and all the sundry things that are also a part of creating a work of fiction yourself. Not giving any thought to this beforehand would be foolish, for as I've already found out from my research many new authors just write and worry about these 'small details' later - wrongly so, I'm told. Being foresighted as I am, I will be juggling all these things as I go along, which will actually help with the writing process as I can 'step away' from the writing itself to work on other aspects of the whole. I can even deal with the 'distasteful' project of working on Personal Branding, something which I understand only a little of right now but that I KNOW is vital( almost key! )to promoting myself as an author. As well as getting practiced in public speaking, which I dread along with many.

March 21 - BSG: Blood And Chrome

Yes, I'm loathe to admit it: I never finished watching the last season of the recent Battlestar Galactica. I was totally turned off by the 'miraculous' arrival of Starbuck and the total left-turn the series took at that point, which I felt was an insult to the loyal fans who had followed the incredible potential the series had offered up until then. I likened it to a main character slapping everyone upside the head and stating "Everything up to this point has been a dream." Which stank, as I thought it was all incredible up until that point…

So seeing the trailer for the series pilot Blood and Chrome which would have followed the young Adama at the outbreak of the Cylon War brought back feelings of wistfulness for the same awesome feeling the first season of BSG engendered. It has all the things that made the first season mind-blowing and I'm not just talking about the FX - it looks to have story out the wazoo. Too bad SyFy decided to pass on the series and instead make it into 'webisodes' - I hope that these will manage to keep a level of production quality on a par with the trailer, as that's still better than nothing at all. There could have been so much more…!!!

March 22 - Armored

I'm considering a lot of things to include in my novel, one of which is powered armour. Which won't be explained AS powered armour, at least not at first. There's just something about strapping oneself into a suit that makes one as powerful as a tank on two legs that appeals to me; the original Starship Troopers was built around this concept, which vanished in the more recent movie. Powered armour stories such as the classic Armour have always had a special place in my imagination, so when I heard that there's a new short-story collection due out in a WEEK called Armoured, I was tickled! Even better, you can preview( in full! )several of the stories on the book's website, which I found to be VERY informative. Gives me a few ideas for promoting my own novel, as a matter of fact… but I won't give any of those away, yet. Not while I'm waiting for the free-to-play MechWarrior Online to launch later this year… huzzah to giant mech combat action!!

March 23 - RUIN CGI

What people can do with a relatively inexpensive home PC setup nowadays blows me away sometimes. What used to cost tens of thousands of dollars ten years ago can now be done with software costing hundreds of dollars, on regular hardware bought off-the-shelf. In the case of RUIN, OddBall Animation has put together a jaw-dropping eight minutes of CGI eye-candy set in a post-apocalyptic world. With flying robots, laser-shooting missiles and nanotech samurai swords, it's a treat to watch, especially for the small touches. Prepare your eyes for awesome( BEST VIEWED FULL SCREEN ):


RUIN from OddBall Animation on Vimeo.


March 24 - Preparing to Move Out / On

Today was all about one thing: moving boxes. Moving them from our condo locker downstairs to the storage locker I've rented for a month, or two. It's all of my Stuff: things useful and not so useful. Books and dishes and small appliances and all the other things that make a place a home, as well as somewhat cluttered. It's still puzzling to me that after moving a half-dozen times in the last 4+ years I can still have so much Stuff, but I've at least whittled it down to Essentials and Nostalgia. I think I've about reached the point in my life where THIS month, April, I can go down to the storage unit, haul out a box, take a bunch of pictures of Nostalgia Stuff, and get rid of it. I probably won't even bother to sell any of it on eBay, as Nostalgia usually doesn't command a worthwhile price unless it's extremely rare or still in its original box. For the most part, I think I can condense things with only a little effort and pain on my behalf, as today I spent almost 6 hours moving those boxes from one storage to another. As I don't want to just have things SIT in storage, wherever I end up, it's going to be a process of paring down to the point where it will all fit into whatever apartment I end up in.

Along with all my books. Those, I will never part with. Though I'm trying NOT to buy more paper ones and so save space with eBooks. We'll see how that goes.

March 25 - Check. Not Mate.

I slept in today, a bit, as I was up late last night - playing chess. In NWN, of all places - Samuel has added in a module that allows players to play with animated monstrous chess pieces, with all the correct rules. Given that it was the first game of chess I've played in over ten years, I did fairly well… and I love that I was able to play a game within a game, with friends. Too bad NWN's been giving me a video stuttering problem since I installed my new video card a month ago; I'm still working on finding a solution, but for now it means the game is a real pain to play and hard on the eyes to boot. Argh.

The weather today was spectacular, so after only a couple of hours of gaming online with my Xbox, I gave my wrists a rest and headed out to Starbuck's for the afternoon with a friend. It was deliciously sunny and I spent a fair few hours there, people watching and enjoying the fact that I could sit down at an outside table and not have the metal chair singe my legs with arctic frost. I suspect in a few weeks I will be out a LOT more, as I find my muse more active to match my own activities. That would be a most welcome change!

Although I never thought it would happen, I've found myself wondering what day it was more than once in the last couple of weeks. As someone who's VERY aware of the time, I find this funny AND disturbing - it means I have to get into my writing routine ASAP, or I might find myself losing days to lassitude and laxity too often. My time is free right now, but NOT infinitely so!

Mars, Muscles and Money from the government

The word of the week is relief.

March 12 - Wrist Ouchies!!

Well, this was a first for me: I hurt my wrists this weekend… using the PC and playing Xbox. Feels like someone's kneeling on the inside of both my arms; classic Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. I'll be seeing the doctor to confirm this week, but I'm doing what I need to to minimize my distress and long-term damage. Yes, I'll admit I'm worried and damn frustrated, as I have the TIME to write but as of today I can't due to the pain; twangy tendons do not a good typist make. If this is part of getting older, it sucks… and the irony of not being able to write when I have the time, as I've said, also sucks large.

Thankfully, I have technology at my disposal to help me along as I recover from my ironic irritation: voice recognition. Some time ago I purchased a program called Dragon Naturally Speaking, which allows fairly accurate and speedy speech recognition for most mundane tasks to do with text on your computer. Previous versions were fairly slow and inaccurate due to the slow computers that I was using on. My current setup is fairly speedy and seems to do the job, though I am finding I'm doing a lot of correcting as I have not used it in some time so it is overall much slower than it would be typing. But it spares my wrist. Also it is rather cool to be able to type with my voice and not have to take sips of coffee in between sentences; see the entry below!

March 13 - Nerds

Nerd or g33k? Seems in this Information Age, where gadgets are proliferating and tech has become mainstream, the Age of the Nerd has arrived. Which I'm somewhat hesitant to ascribe myself as part of, as there's still a stigma of sorts attached to being a nerd. Yet when I really think about it, what is a nerd except someone who is steeped in the wisdom and the knowledge of technology? I'll admit that being part of the mainstream is something that appeals to me, in that it's only doing what a lot of other people are doing and loving it's because tech is what I love. And there's a lot of history to being a nerd... ahem, g33k. Whatever.

Yet being a nerd doesn't exactly do wonders for your social life, though I'm finding more and more that it's not as much a matter of acceptance as of tacit indifference. Movies like Revenge Of The Nerds once showed a complete separation between those who steeped their lives in knowledge and trivia and those who simply got about living life while acknowledging their ignorance. Now after the dot-com boom and bust, we live in a world where technology follows us around in her pockets and often shapes the way we go about our daily tasks. Being part of the culture within a culture that helps define the culture as it develops is a very heady thought, don't you think? I like it.

March 14 - Finally EI!

After over a month of waiting( not the 28 days EI states... )the phone rang this morning: a woman on the other end wondered if I knew I had been approved for EI coverage? I said I didn't, she said I was. I said I was smiling like crazy, she said have a good day. And that was that. So I have coverage for the remainder of the year, thereabouts, for a comfortable amount similar to times when I wasn't working like a madman and becoming more like one each day. The EI means I can take the time I need to look for a job that will suit me, instead of one that will just hire me for a paycheque. And in the meantime, I can continue to pursue my dream of writing, chapter by chapter, with a lack of outside pressure - it's all on me now, to produce and perform, for me. Only.

 

March 15 - The Ides Of March

Today marks the day of the murder, more than two millennia ago: the death of Julius Caesar. This is referred to as the Ides of March, where famously Caesar was warned by a prophet that he would not live out the day. The fact that we remember this so long after the fact is somewhat staggering, as so much of history tends to focus on the violent rather than peaceful. Another good example is Guy Fawkes Day in Britain, which is a strange holiday in my eyes as it celebrates the almost-destruction of the UK Parliament by a liberal. Sometimes I wonder about our tendency for remembering things simply for remembrance and letting the context slide into obscurity; seems to be a failing of ours.

 

However, being famous does have its perks at least when it comes to famous persons of antiquity. Julius Caesar as much written about him when it comes to deeds done in tasks accomplished, both good and bad. I think I would rather be remembered if it came down to it the way that many of history's notable personalities have been: for what they accomplish rather than just what they were, as many of today's personalities seem to be instead. The old phrase "those who fail to learn from history are condemned to repeat it" seems very apt in an age when nothing can be forgotten and much can be measured against the giants of the past.

March 16 - World Of Tanks

All right, I'll admit it: I love tanks! Ever since I was a little boy I love playing with model tanks, usually ones made out of metal so I could beat the crap out of them. The sense of invincibility that obtained gives to someone who commands it appeals greatly to me, though now as an adult I see that these metal dragons and the all too easily slain. Such seems to be the case with a new online game I am trying called World of Tanks which is a free to play MMO that anyone can jump in and try. Which I did, and I have to say it was fun for the first week or so, until I ran into the 'Dollar Wall', which happens with a lot of Free-To-Play games. You use up the initial credits and then have to enter into the 'grind' phase, where like every other MMO you 'kill rats' until you manage to accumulate enough gold to advance. In the case of World Of Tanks, I played with the scout tanks until I got tired of dying in EVERY battle… and had my eyes bug out when I calculated the cost of advancing if I 'bought' a few mid-range tanks. We're talking potentially hundreds of dollars here, for someone like me to go from 'newbie' to 'Wallet Warrior' via the magic of in-game purchases! It's no wonder that Free-To-Play games have taken off in popularity with publishers; they can make two or three times the retail price off their user-base and KEEP doing it as long as they control the release of new content that people can buy… to avoid killing rats. Smell a rat, do you?

March 17 - John Carter and Irish Fizzles

Today turned out to be spent mostly OUT of the house; I went out for breakfast and ended up getting back late in the afternoon, with a movie in between. That movie was John Carter( Of Mars )which I had the delight of seeing in IMAX 3D, which really brought me totally into the experience. I was completely absorbed in the film almost all the way through, as it was a grand spectacle along the lines of the greatest of adventure films. It was quite obvious that a lot of money had been spent on the special effects but they were done in such a way that they didn't draw attention to themselves, for the most part, throughout the movie. I'm disappointed that Disney didn't to the film justice by bungling the marketing, as you can tell by the lack of 'Mars' in the film's title - here's a few more reasons the film flopped at the box office. I hope it picks up in DVD sales for a sequel~!

 

Deserving special mention is the character of Dejah Thoris, whom I have to say is one of the strongest women in cinema history and before that science fiction in general. It is a great pity that her example of a strong, smart, capable woman did not carry far beyond the pages that Edgar Rice Burroughs wrote due to society's views of women at the time. Lynn Collins played the character of Dejah perfectly, embodying the warrior princess who was the equal of any man yet able to accept the help of a capable stranger when fate offered her the chance.

 

As it turns out, I stayed in for St. Patricks' Day; there's few people here that I hang out with and nobody extended an invitation for tonight - so it goes. Probably for the best, as there's NO bus service to the Mountain here and last time I checked wait times were around four hours for a cab. No thanks; I'll see what I can get up for for next year and see if I can make some new memories.

March 18 - Being Me. And Phil.

Those of you who know me know that I'm not a complicated person, yet I do have my layers. Lots of layers, I do a lot of thinking about a lot of things a lot of the time; my brain is constantly making connections here, there, everywhere. Lately I've been thinking about a lot of things to do with the future: where I am going to live, what I am going to do for a living, who I might be living with - if anyone. My current situation, one that I planned over a year ago to be in, amazingly has turned out to be pretty close to what I hoped for. Where I am right now in my life and be easily examined through the camera lens of one movie: Groundhog Day. Again, those of you who know me know that this is my favorite film for many reasons and I refer to it again today for one of the simpler ones: change. Bill Murray's character is offered a chance to discover and change the things about his life that he is lacking or doesn't like. Through self-discovery and difficult process, he is able to become a better man and see more of what life has to offer him.

For myself, I am in that very same position now, minus the timewarp. I have placed myself where and when I need to be, so that I can work on discovering the better parts of myself. I have the time now for my writing, for my other searches, for my thinking and relaxing and all the things I have not allowed myself due to necessity or hardship or stress. Much like Phil in Groundhog Day, I have a lot to do to get ready for the coming Spring - I have seen my shadow and I am not afraid of it, as I know I have a lot of work to do.

 

It's been an interesting week, not being able to type or play video games... but good in that all the same. I've kept busy and with the stability that EI will provide, I can concentrate on doing what I want, what I need to do, for myself. Took me long enough to get here...

Patience, Projects and Perception

The word of the week is turmoil. 

March 5 - Soak Boats? 

When I get stressed, I used to be able to hop into the hottub in the basement; it was always ready at the right temperature and baked the bad away. How nice would it to be to have that comforting heat on the go? A company in the USA has created hottub-boats, which let you cruise around a lake in steamy style with a few friends or even solo! When I was living on Langford Lake, there was a 'mobile BBQ' platform that one homeowner puttered around the lake on with friends on weekends that I thought was pretty cool. This would have been a PERFECT compliment to that, I think… especially given that the 'fixed' hottub at that place I was renting broke down after only a few months. If the hottub was floating on a LAKE, it wouldn't have mattered if it was leaking water slowly or not!!! 

I hope my next place can have a hottub... or a jacuzzi tub. Anyway...

March 6 - Render The World? 

I mentioned that I scored a new video card for a great sub-$100 price a few weeks ago; it's been great and few of my games even come close to using most of its power. So I've been looking at other things that might harness the raw graphical horsepower sitting under the hood, so to speak; alas, only Nvidia cards can be used to do things like re-sizing videos faster( I didn't know or I might have held off buying this one, an ATI - sigh ). I did, however, find a very curious alpha program, a demo really, that in addition to using a LOT of graphical horsepower proposes something astonishing: it can render almost to scale the ENTIRE SURFACE OF A PLANET. Before you wonder why this is so mind-bending, consider Google Maps and Google Earth: they allow you to view our planet in excessive detail… but still draw on something that is already THERE. With Outerra, developers of games like Mass Effect can use the software to allow players to explore virtually limitless vistas of other planets almost on a 1:1 scale. So in effect, you CAN to wander in the mountains, the forests, anywhere you like, with NO invisible walls holding you back because the designers didn't actually build that part… 

March 7 - Still waiting? 

There's been no word from EI a month after I applied… despite their claim to process most applications within 28 days. I'm supposed to call this coming week to check on things, again, as well as checking on the Service Canada website( a few times a day ). It's frustrating, to say the very least. 

While I wait, I've been doing a lot of things, like cataloging some of my 2000 books. And going through my saved bookmarks; after editing and deleting the old / broken ones, would you believe I still have over 5000 bookmarks? That surprised me, as did FireFox when it garbled an update with the 'new' set of bookmarks that took me the rest of the night and most of the next day, on and off, to fix. Thankfully I didn't lose any of the newer sites from recent months and didn't have to re-install FireFox, but it's still a little wonky. Which simply teaches the lesson to back things up regularly( like I do )and prepare for the inevitable day when Things Go Wrong. So you don't tear out any hair. 

Ironically, this also helps when waiting for EI. 

March 8 - IKEA house? 

In a happier world, I would have been house-hunting for the last few years for a place to lay my head, obviously a smaller place as it would just be me and my small allotment of stuff. Given my lack of resources, it's not going to happen for a while, which is also fine: my main reason for wanting a place of my own is so that I don't have overly sensitive neighbours who complain about footsteps in the night while on the way to do one's business. Sheesh. 

I'm not alone in wanting a smaller place; quite a few people are seeing the advantages of having a home that is sized to YOUR needs, not that bank's idea of what someone should be buying. As with my previous blog entries about small-house companies like Tumbleweed Houses, it all depends on your budget and what sort of space needs you're willing to work with. I like the homes designed by IdeaBox, whose Activ model is furnished by IKEA for those who are really into that place of wonder; prefabs seem to fit the spot between mobile homes / RV's and traditional houses, in my opinion. Some smaller houses are still mobile, in that they can be moved from a property fairly easily if not permanently attached to a foundation. I find that flexibility appealing, as it would allow me to 'move' elsewhere without having to sell my treasured home. Unless I needed more space, in which case it would make sense to sell. Life's like that. 

March 9 - Project Kara? 

I've already spoken about video graphics above, but this deserves a special mention all its own: Project Kara from Quantic Dream. 

It's a tech demo from Sony that shows off the incredible power of the PS3 gaming console. The video shows what happens when an android is assembled in a futuristic factory… and doesn't want to be taken apart again. The incredible part is that the ENTIRE video was run solely on a PS3, meaning that this sort of technology could make it into in-game graphics, letting the player experience gameplay JUST like this - no more 'ooh, that was a pretty cutscene, but the game graphics are nowhere near that good' gripes. The emotion conveyed in this demo really pulls at you as well, have a look!

March 10 - Stressing?

It's growing in me again, the Stress Factor. Today it was worse, as I found out my plans to move nearby might not be possible until late in the summer; this means finding an alternate place has just become top priority. Which sucks, as things would have been MUCH simpler with Plan A, but as with all things: plan for the worst, hope for the best. Adding to the stress is EI dragging their feet and a lack of decent jobs for someone with my managerial skill set, so in effect I am floating in a limbo of my own frustrated desires for completion. Not good if I want to maintain my sanity, as well as my financial well-being. 

But that's life. It's still a LOT better than if I had stayed where I was at MMart, even in hindsight, so I have to keep reminding myself of that. And of the opportunities and possibilities that ARE opening to me now that I have my 'freedom' albeit one that has no income at present. I'm looking at several ideas of mine for self-employment, including freelancing, so I'll get those further fleshed out in the next several weeks as I wait for EI, KEEP looking for a job, and try to find a place to live that isn't Hell waiting in disguise… so the picture below is quite apt for my state of mind right now: 

March 11 - Borderline?

Borderlands, the game, has crept back into my life again this week and I've been quite enjoying it; as with many of my games, I never finished it originally. It's the quintessential buddy game, best played with friends and very, very rewarding. So much so that I had to rest my arms later today, they actually hurt from too much controller-gripping and mouse-use this week, which is unusual. 

Back in the day, I never owned an NES, which I've not really regretted in that I've owned so MANY other video game systems otherwise. That's meant that I never played Super Mario Brothers or quite a few other 'classic' games, so I've sort of made up the lack in finding them here and there as flash games online. Word this week reached me of a new mish-mash, made from the ground up to resemble an old NES title. It's called Mari0 and mixes Super Mario Brothers… and Portal! It's incredibly fun to play( on the PC or Mac or Linux )as it perfectly captures the old feel of the NES game while using the mechanics of Portal to give it a wholly new twist. Try it out, it's freeware!! 

Another rough weekend; it's hard maintaining a positive outlook in the face of such uncertainty, despite my own constant mental assurances that This Is The Right Path. I think it's being IN limbo that scares me the most; that I'm just passing through on the way to better things is what I have to keep reminding myself of.

Achievements, Anger and Animation

The word of the week is patience.

Feb 27 - Animation 

Growing up, I loved anything to do with animation. Disney and Don Bluth were just two of the giants that filled my childhood with fantastic visions and great adventures. Animation is the closest thing I know of to translating imagination directly into tangible form, to take ideas and make them appear magically for anyone to watch exactly as you want them to appear. Not being talented in that area, I make do with the rich imagery that words conjure in a reader's mind, yet I've always had a fascination with the world of animation.

A good friend of mine had the good fortune to become friends with one of the most talented animations of their generation: Michel Gagné. Anyone in the field of animation knows who Michel is, as his talent stands head, shoulders and knees above all others; it's just stunning to watch his work( search YouTube! ). Have a gander at his student film, fully rendered in colour with incredible effects when most of his peers struggled to animate a few frames in colour themselves. Breathtaking:



Feb 28 - Raspberry Pi( yes, there's no 'e' )

Computers are becoming ever-smaller and cheaper every year; I'll not bore with you the specifics, as Google can provide far more timely info for you than I can here. Instead, I'll just give an excellent recent example: the Raspberry Pi, produced here in Toronto and sold via a UK firm for just $35. It has 2 USB ports, an ethernet port, runs with any TV as a monitor and uses cheap SD cards as memory. It's akin to the early AppleII and C64 computers from the 80's, only a hundred times less expensive. Now anyone with lunch money can have access to a computer for whatever they wish to use it for, as it's easily programmable( not my bailiwick )and simple to use. Much like the OneLaptopPerChild and OneTabletPerChild programs, these devices are aimed at bringing computing to the masses, anywhere in the world. Amazing! 

Feb 29 - Novel Beginnings

February DID see me complete the first chapter of my novel, something that I am proud of despite the mental contortions I went through to decide where to start. I write a little of my novel every day, as well as expand the idea jar and sketch out more of the world and its characters so I can refer to the structure as I go along to ensure a cohesive whole. Parts of it are ready, waiting for me to fill in and flesh out when I get to them. Other areas are barest skeletons, where I am not quite sure what will fit and what won't, so likely I'll redo those a few times once I get other parts locked down.

I sometimes find my muse taking on a life of its own, seeing myself as an observer in the world in my head, privy to all that transpires as I rush frantically to write down the barest details to recall later as I write. This is the way my best work comes to me, I think: the characters take on a life of their own and I watch what they do with wide-eyed wonder. Having those moments makes the whole writing process worthwhile, as I feel like a privileged guest in a play first performed only for me… and then I have to be the one relating it as best I can second-hand to my readers. I can only hope I do what I saw in my head justice as I craft the words to their best effect…



March 1 - Having a life

One month since I left MMart and I can feel myself relaxing... but not too much, as I STILL haven't heard boo from EI. It's damn frustrating, biting my nails every day almost as I wait for someone in a government office to tell me that Yes, You DO Qualify for leaving a workplace that was killing you. Sure, I've planned to be off work for a few months at least while I job-search, but I am not the sort to sit around and think that lazy is the norm. I want to KNOW. So I continue to search for a job, while I wait.

Plus relax. I'm getting out for a solid walk every day, eating on a MUCH more regular schedule and just enjoying being able to choose the course of each of my days. Despite not much getting as much done as I think I should, I am still trying to get in time to read, relax and even nap( briefly )when I feel like it. With as little TV as possible, as that's just filler time as far as I'm concerned; I have hundreds of hours of TV shows on DVD that I've been converting( slowly... )that I'd rather watch than channel-surf. They represent the time that I've never had to just sit down and catch up over the last few years.

March 2 - More On Writing

The afternoon rain saw me sitting in James Bay Coffee and Books, where I met with several members of the local Victoria Writer's Group. We were there to discuss the mysteries of publishing with a local self-publisher who has helped dozens of authors realize their dreams of creating a tangible book from their hard work. Most of the questions were not directly related to fiction writers such as myself, but were more focused on the self-help and non-fiction authors. Yet seeing as this local publisher normally charges $150 an hour for consultations, her gracious offer to speak to anyone who came for the price of a tea was impossible to pass up.

What I've learned from today's meeting( and last week's )is that I am ahead of the game. I've given thought and planning to many aspects of my novel that do not occur to most writers, apparently. The discovery that my habits of thinking around a problem, researching things and planning ahead have already served to put me in the front of the pack of new authors working on their first novel is VERY heartening, to say the least. Having confirmation that my hard work being poured into my novel will NOT be in vain, that I will at least have a solid chance at getting my book out there, is steadying to me. In some ways, I am even more eager now than before to WRITE, as I can see many avenues and possibilities for getting my stories Out There and not seeing them languish in some unsold pile in the corner of a small book shop.

March 3 - A Day On The Town!

A windy but lovely day that I spent most of in Victoria, a total departure( literally )for me compared to my hermit-like habits of late. I waited in line for breakfast at The Blue Fox, a fantastic bistro restaurant whose food is beyond compare( check it out on Yelp! )and well-worth the wait in the wind. Yes, I was VERY windy today, but not so that going outside was a health hazard. After a leisurely semi-brunch, a friend and I went browsing along the shops of the downtown area... and I ended up at Russell Books, where I gave in to temptation and purchased a dozen used paperbacks, all of which I had never seen before and sorely wanted. For research, as many touched on parts of the world I am creating and refining for my novel. Research, yes, ahem. Once I had managed to tear myself away from the book shop, I finished up the day people watching in the afternoon at The Soda Shoppe, where I enjoyed a root beer as the world walked by; the place has an excellent view of the promenade in front of The Empress Hotel by the inner harbor. A lovely day.

Marred by a frustrating evening tonight playing games online, but I'll mention that later...



March 4 - Anger

Oh, how the foibles of emotion can grip you! I embarked on my usual day of gaming online with my friends, playing a pleasant hour and a bit of Borderlands with a friend( BL2 comes out in Sept, yay! )and then turning to Battlefield3... which was a mistake.

It sucked. Big time.

BF3 is the one game in my collection that (almost) drives me to smashing things with my controller; expensive things I can't afford to replace. Game after game today was a teeth-clenching anger-drenched experience, where I learned time and again that I was playing people who spent ALL their free time playing THIS game to become viciously efficient virtual killing machines.

For me, it's a short-fused line that I get dragged across, screaming in my head every time I die uselessly in the game at the hands of some UberGamer. I realize that in order to get NEAR as good as many of these BF3 gamers, I will have to dedicate some serious time to the game. To the exclusion of other games. And my writing. And my social life. Which I'm NOT willing to do. Nope.

My solution? Put the game away for the rest of the month. Go for an evening walk to clear my head and think of other things. Put on some Enya to relax and swallow down the bile that I'm Not Good Enough and I Was pwnd. Especially when I was separated from my group of friends / squadmates( cute message break here ):



I think that's what gets me; that in a very immediate, measurable way, I have been found wanting in an arena that I entered in order to enjoy myself and instead found continual frustration because my skillz aren't sharp enough to Keep Up. So I'll let the UberGamers fight each other and sit out for a while, rather than work up my blood pressure in a one-sided war with no real winners, despite the mocking glow of the online leaderboards. I'm better than that.

After putting together the blog, I managed to mellow out for the rest of the evening, which was VERY good in it's own way. I disappeared into a book and forgot all about the shallowness of online victory. Which was itself, a victory!

Lawrence, Laziness and Literary Love

The word of the week is vision.

Feb 20 - The Happiness Project and Research

One of my favourite book series of all is The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, by the late Douglas Adams. It's irrelevant and ironic look at the way the universe works has always spoken to my own brand of humour. Yet what does it MEAN to be happy? Is it the laughter that bubbles up when I watch a funny program or read a funny book? Or is that just amusement? Is really being happy something that I am so unfamiliar with that I have to research it in order to try to have a hope of finding it?

Research can help though, if it leads to places like The Happiness Project, which is a site recounting the author's search for happiness. Apparently she found some answers after a year of searching and made it into a book. Which turned into a NY Times #1 Bestseller - food for thought for a hungry author such as myself. Reading through the site, there are a lot of quotes, proverbs and bits of advice... but few concrete answers. It seems the simplest things in life are the best bets to finding your own answers about being happy. Making lists of what makes YOU happy also helps narrow the field, and may also point you towards work that will be most fulfilling.

Just try not to end up discovering you are happy being miserable. :-)

Feb 21 - On Being Unemployed

So far, it's been three weeks since I left my job and as yet I have not found another. EI will likely be a few more weeks in deciding on whether I will qualify or not; I have a doctor's letter and am hopeful that I will be provided with a means to continue to search for the right job for the next few months.

The days seem shorter to me now, oddly. I've been out EVERY day this week, for coffee or errands or whatnot and I seem to get less accomplished of a day than when I was employed. I think it is because time was more precious to me months ago, when I had so little of it to enjoy. Now that ALL my time is free time, I am finding that nothing is taking priority and if something remains to be done, I can always do it the next day. Which is a trap, as each day blurs into the next without a set plan of action, as I am sure you all know. No, I am finding it hard to focus, to GET things done of a single day, when I know that the next day will still have the same number of free hours. It is a feeling I am not used to and need to come to an accommodation with, so that I do not lapse into a mindset so lazy that I wake of a morn and find that the day can pass without question far too easily.

Will that make me happy? I am certain it won't, as so little does of late that lasts. Carry on...

Feb 22 - Writing Group Meeting!

During the evening today, I attended a local writer's group meeting, the topic being publishing. It was downtown in Victoria, at an indoor atrium in a new building I've not had occasion to go into, until now. There were over a dozen people there, including a few published authors and several people who had self-published. I found out about the group while browsing the local Meetup.com Groups, which I highly recommend to anyone interested in meeting like-minded people locally to share common activities. Tonight's meeting went very well indeed; I learned a lot and was the person asking the most questions the entire night. One of the big, scary mysteries for an author is HOW to get their works OUT there, in ways that promote you AND have the real possibility of making you money. Self-publishing does not seem to be a viable route for me right now, as it tends to be very limited in distribution. Going online at a place like Amazon's Kindle Store makes more sense, as does serializing a story / set of stories online. In any case, I found the meeting to be thoroughly useful and met several like-minded writers there, including a Babylon 5 fan - by the name of Peter! How odd is that? So I'll be attending future meetings, in between looking for work and writing my own stories; I'm very happy to have found these folks in my own backyard.

Feb 23 - Growing pains?

Ouch! I am not the tallest person around, I know that; about average is how I'd peg my height, but given my body proportions I look just fine, thanks. Yet I was baffled to hear about men whose height was such an issue that they underwent radical surgery to increase it, similar to women whose bust sizes are not up to their wants. However, getting metal rods implanted in one's femurs sounds like FAR too much painful trouble to consider; I wonder if they ever thought about elevator shoes, or hanging out with shorter people? Have a gander and decide for yourselves:



Feb 24 - On the power of a story

Sometimes I wonder about the impact that fiction authors have on people's lives; we write stories about made-up things and try to convince readers to suspend their disbelief enough to care about the stories and characters. Most often our stories are a distraction from the daily lives of readers, albeit a welcome one and have no bearing on their success or failure in life. Yet sometimes it is this very distraction that is the thing a reader needs, when their lives are not happy and in some cases are about to end.

Such is the case of Nachu Bhatnaga, who is a terminally ill cancer patient who also It so happens that Bhatnagar adores The War That Came Early, Harry Turtledove's alternate history series. Nachu's best friend had the idea to contact Mr. Turtledove and see if he could procure an advance copy of his next book for Nachu, who only has a few months to live. See the results below for the answer to my question about the impact an author can have( light language warning NSFW ):

Feb 25 - Exercise? Just climb a mountain!

After a few kms-long walks every other day for the last few weeks, I decided today to step things up, literally: I climbed a mountain. Hiked, actually, for a total of 6km distance and a vertical climb of over 125m, all of it logged on my new trusty HTC Desire smartphone. Love those apps; I am using one called MapMyFitness which logs many details about a workout using the GPS. I can tell how fast I moved, view the route( including elevation ), calories burned... all sorts of things. This allows me to keep a record of what exercise I am getting, to see how MUCH I am doing to get fit, at least in terms of mobile exercise. It even has a nutrition function, so I can plug my daily diet into it and see how my intake compares to my exercise burn; I haven't used it yet, but it seems worthwhile. I had a really good time in the hour it took me to make it up the mountain path; the fresh air was great and the views from the top were spectacular. Have a look and feel free to zoom in, the detail's incredible:







Feb 26 - Finding your destiny

It may surprise you to know that I've not seen Lawrence Of Arabia before today, nor in fact ever caught it on television - ever. Tonight, not wanting to be bothered with the Oscars, I settled in instead with half an eye on the film and the rest on writing. Which soon went by the wayside as Lawrence drew me inevitably in with its rich performances and incredible imagery. Ironic that I disdained watching the Oscars for a film that won 7 of them. What drew me in was Lawrence's struggle with what he was becoming; it was incredible to see him embrace, then put at arm's length, the very things he was trying to achieve in Arabia in WWI. I think many of us struggle with what we want to do in life, as well as IF we can do it. For Lawrence, at least, he could also answer the third big question: did we make a difference? In his case, yes... and he would also have to live with the results. If you're curious as to how this modern-day hero lived, just Google Lawrence of Arabia - it's enough reading and food for thought to keep anyone busy awhile.

Another week gone and another headache to end it with; moving to BC reduced but did not eliminate that little pleasure. I also installed a new video card( a cheap deal I'll not bore you with after the last one had to be returned )and re-formatted my SSD so it's now twice as super-speedy as before. More than a few books have been dug through, many an afternoon tea has been sipped and overall it's been GREAT not to be a slave to the phone. Though I STILL answer before the third ring; that habit I may never be able to break...

Valentine's, Victory and Validation

The word of the week is validation.

Feb 13 - Car scams!

I learned something new today, or rather more about something I suspected to be rather commonplace in larger cities( or even smaller ones ): automotive insurance scams. I've seen automotive video recorders available for a while from various sites, for relatively low amounts of money, ridiculously low in face, when you consider the cost of losing a scam settlement. What are these frauds about, exactly? Well, in the main they involve scam artist drivers who force you to collide with their car, usually at low speed, then attempt to extort a settlement from you outside of insurance, threatening to call the police to report YOUR "poor driving" that caused the collision. In most cases of a rear collision, it is presumed to be the FOLLOWING vehicle's fault. There's quite a few common car-related insurance scams to watch out for, all of which would benefit from a recording camera being present. Be aware and alert as you drive( as always! )and have a look at one driver's experience below - he was VERY pleased he had a camera running that day:





Feb 14 - FORK IT and Calvin

Last week I wrote about how it is that I am single. Today is Valentine's Day and to be honest, I'm just ignoring the whole thing, rather than getting upset or otherwise worked up. I understand that for two people, it's a big day, and for others it's a day to celebrate their love for others... but frankly, it's always been a Hallmark Holiday for me, smack dab between Christmas and Easter. A good way to move chocolate, mushy cards and expensive dinner reservations.

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As to how it applies to me, I prefer to focus on the upbeat: I'm happily single, I'm happy to be me and I don't "need" anyone to complete that picture. If I felt like there was half of me missing, I'd feel pretty silly really... and that's a terribly heartsick way to go through life which has so much to offer everyone. Sure, I'd love to meet Someone Special someday, but look at that wording: Special. No way am I going to 'settle' for someone so as not to have an 'empty' home of my own; that way lies unhappiness for both people. Nope, instead I'll focus on my own happiness and not pretend that it can be found at the bottom of a chocolate heart or some other wildly out-of-tune fantasy.

Feb 15 - Brooding Kings

Some images speak to me, as some of you may have noticed from the ones I've posted to my Fbook account in the last few weeks( noticeably lacking are ones in poor taste or poorly drawn ). One image in particular that has always resonated with me is that of Conan The King, sitting brooding on his throne - no longer called a barbarian to his face, he wears a crown with a glower:
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This then, is the end of his journey? Having overcome unthinkable odds, fought battles that spawned a hundred legends and now his sword gathers dust, instead of the heads of his enemies? I've always thought of this as a metaphor for the hard-fought journey, for one who has always had to overcome what fights you step by step, with a goal that may not be in focus but comes suddenly after far too many battles... and doesn't sit well with you once you have it. Clarity, focus and determination should all come together to bring you to where you WANT to be... not where you THOUGHT you wanted to be at the start. Learning from the journey and adjusting your path is the measure of a person, not their strength or skills or stubbornness, for if a barbarian takes the throne without learning from their path, a barbarian is who they will still be, no matter how fine the crown or golden the throne.

Feb 16 - Facebook Validation

Yes, I tend to be a bit of a pack-rat, both with physical stuff and with my data; I've kept things tucked away on my PC from back in the early 90's. For good reason; apart from photos, I have some stories, important( to me )emails, as well as some journal entries. Twenty years back, I discovered that I had some mild validation issues, in that I yearned( unrealistically )for people to validate that I was doing, which is false: seeking external validation for what you do means you will NEVER be satisfied, despite success of any order. I overcame that and moved on... until Facebook arrived. When I found myself again at the mercy of validation, especially these last few weeks when I have been in front of my PC far more than normal of a day. Waiting for a little FBook notification to pop up stating that people have paid attention to my creative efforts... or not, which can make one a tad crestfallen. Yet is this what we have come to? Waiting for other people to notice that you're spending MORE time on Facebook? Having realized that, I've decided to do what I do regardless of the feedback, which really only validates one thing: that other people are spending too much time in front of their computers as well. Funny, that...

Feb 17 - Job Hunting

Yes, I have been looking for jobs every day for the last few weeks, with little to show for my efforts. Sure, there are Joe Jobs to take, but at this point I don't want to bag groceries or serve fast food - there may come a point where that is all that is available, but I am actively pursuing my network of contacts to find work other than what's listed as 'immediate' various places. One site I was told to check out was Indeed.ca, which indeed was a great place to find up-to-date job listings, moreso than places like Monster.ca or BCjobs.ca, which are where I've checked many times before.

It's interesting, being without a job for the first time in my life. I liken it to leaving school, in a way: you go from a place you've come to know VERY well and gotten used to, to then step outside your comfort zone and have to make decisions based on very little information. It's the fear of the unknown that rattles a lot of people; in my case, I KNEW with utter certainty that ANYTHING was better than the place where I was, so I took some comfort in that. Now I am looking to find a work BALANCE: a job where I can do well, perform to my ability levels and a little beyond... and leave it ALL at work at the end of the day, so I can be freer to pursue my real interests. I'll speak in the future about how much I've enjoyed reading Career Success Without A Real Job, whose cover catchphrase "The Career Book for People Too Smart to Work in Corporations" practically lasered itself into my eyeballs when I saw it on the bookshelf. The section on writing in particular was fascinating; stay tuned!

Feb 18 - Honour and Gaming Beers

this afternoon I was out on the town; more specifically, I was at The Moon Under Water pub in downtown Victoria( more the outskirts, but what the hey ). I was there for my first meeting of a local Victoria gaming club, which actually consists of people who are in the business of creating video games - how cool is THAT? It was a local meet-and-greet, where everyone could talk a little shop and generally get to know people. I had a blast in the hours I was there, picking up some great job-seeking tips as well as meeting new people - exactly what I wanted to do! The beer headache even delayed itself until later; quite honestly I'm finding the less often I drink, the less I really enjoy it, headaches aside. But as for the group, it was a great experience and I'll definitely be at the next one in a month's time, barring a new job, of course.

Of the evening, I caught The Last Samurai on TV and after a few minutes couldn't change the channel; not that Tom Cruise is compelling, but I found the notions of honour and loyalty explored in the film very gripping. Also, the battle scenes were lavish and I found there was a distinct lack of 'Hollywood Heavy-Handedness' in the way the story was presented, apart from the conceit of having Cruise's western-warrior character as central to the story. Even that was forgivable, with the overall excellence of the film's total presentation. All these years and I had never bothered to see it; my bad!

Feb 19 - Family

Today's entry won't be about the six hours I spent playing BF3 online, despite the not-bad score levels with friends and a general lack of teeth-gnashing.

Instead, today is about family, rather appropriate seeing as tomorrow is Family Day in Ontario. In one's life, especially mine, family is the single most important thing on my list of Things That Are Important, by a wide margin. Success, money, material things... all those take a far place from family, from which we derive Self, Happiness, Love... and many other critical things in life.

Yet family is not forever. Today, I found out that a friend's parent is dying; they won't last the day, in fact. My friend's been overwrought, as another of his close family members is also in the midst of passing, so there's an ENORMOUS burden on them right now. Which is eased a little by the presence of other family members, who are there to support and nurture each other through these crisis's, which are inevitable: eventually, we will all be gone from this place. We have to make the most of the time we have here, to say all the things that should NOT remain unsaid, not to let barriers of indifference or intolerance or distance grow up thorny and untended between us. Family shapes us, cares for us, remembers our good deeds and forgives us our missteps and will carry on with us in our hearts after we are gone.

For that and many more reasons, I am hopeful that my friend will find the strength he needs in family, as well as friends, to make it through this heavy burden of time and emerge from it the better. It pains me there is little that I can do than offer my support, my love and my listening ear despite the distance... for really, in the end, what else can we do for each other, but this?

Well, I received my final pay from MMart this past Friday, so I'm done with that place - at least they didn't screw THAT up, thankfully, though almost 1/3 of it vanished in taxes. *sigh* Now I wait for EI to make up their minds, hopefully THIS week, while I search and relax and generally try to ENJOY my time off. For this week, that means getting out each day for some exercise!