The word of the week is personal.
Aug 8 - About This Blog ...
Who's reading this blog, anyway? Sure, it's a weekly update for my friends and family, but there's a LOT here blogwise for these last 3.8 years - and I like to think mostly good things, too. For someone to sit down and browse through it is a heavy slog though, as there's a lot of material in there: my interests, world events, my personal observations, info about my work and family life. Thoughts, dreams, goals, aspirations and failures, along with friends and fun times - these are the contents of the blog, easily accessible from the side menu to the left, by date. I would hope that anyone looking to get to know me better would want to look through at least some of the entries, as they chart( to a fair degree )my journey as a person and allow me to look back with older eyes on things that happened in my life, along with everyone around me. So far, it's been worth every word I've put in.
Aug 9 - Harlan and JMS, Signed!
Today a book arrived in the mail that I will cherish for a long, long time: Brain Moves, by Harlan Ellison. What makes this small-press book special, apart from being written by one of my fave authors of all time, is that it is signed. Not only by Harlan Ellison, but also by J. Michael Straczynski, whose name I am able to spell at first dash due to my long-held admiration of this work. Having BOTH of these author signatures together in one work is an extreme rarity and makes it a true personal collectible in my eyes, akin to having Neil Gaiman sign my forehead. Well, maybe not THAT extreme, but I think I've made my point of how thrilled I am to have this book. There are very few things on this planet that I consider collectible in that regard; those few that I do, I will never, ever sell... eBay be damned.
Aug 10 - I Talk About Work, With Work, Finally!
Today was Long Talk day, when I took both my temp District Manager and my soon-to-be DM aside next door at Wendy's for Lunch. I had a Talk with them for over an hour, where I spelled out How Things Were and how they got there, as well as Where I Saw Things Going. I was honest with them without complaining about all the crap that I've waded through, as well as being frank about my wanting to leave right up until last week on Aug 3rd when Head Office said We Are Sorry, Really. So I got ALL that off my chest, without going into detail on all the other things that have Made My Life Suck for the past ten years - I summed up a lot, glossed over other things and finished off my Spicy Chicken with fries before it got cold. Their reaction was excellent: understanding, supportive yet not weak or sympathetic; it's a business and we all have to Move On - as I explained I was on the verge of doing. I left for the day feeling optimistic, despite the score of 55 out of 100 we received on our first Audit of the year this week - terrible, but I didn't let it bother me, as I'd already 'left' last week and didn't really care. Now that I can see some hope for the company caring about me, I can start to bring things back into line again with the support of my fantastic staff.
After my vacation is done, thank-you-very-much. Total burnout will take at least 3 weeks to recover from!
Aug 11 - Am I Boring?
This has come up before, but I still think it worth mentioning: I'm troubled some days by the thought that I'm boring. Not in the yawn-inducing sense, but in the 'safe-as-houses' or 'good-old-him' sort of way... that people take me for granted as I am. Then I'm struck by the though that maybe that's a GOOD thing, right? That I help people feel good about themselves, that they can trust me unreservedly no matter what, that I try to ensure that whenever I spend time with my friends or family that they part from me feeling like I've added to their lives, somehow - even if I'm not feeling all that good myself. Which does worry me sometimes, as I have rarely opened up about all the major stresses in my life to my friends and only a few of my family members. That if people knew what a fragile balance I maintained most days, they may think less of me... or not. The fact that I'm writing about this now shows that that particular line of thought bothers me less every year... but that I still think I'm complaining too much, instead of doing. Yet when you're feeling so down, isn't the only way out to go up?
Aug 12 - What's a Vacation, really?
Ah, my first day of vacation... and boy am I tired. I'll tell you fairly, that very few of my vacations have REALLY been vacations in the sense of the word. I've mostly used them as breaks to move my family from home to home, or else travel to see friends for weddings. Practically the only vacations I've ever had in the last ten years that were worthy of the title were the ones I took to Mexico and those were with family. Which was great, but I've never had anyone other than family to go with - which is a bummer, as I'd love to explore the world with someone else along for the ride that I'm not related to as I've never had that experience. To travel to Paris or the beaches of Australia with a friend, to journey to Maccu Pichu or see the Pyramids... I've seen some things in this world, fair enough, but definitely NOT enough or with enough different people. I've felt the urge of Change lately, and I'm hearing it more loudly in my dreams every night....
Aug 13 - Where Do I Go From Here?
Looks like this blog is going to be All About Me this week; I've had a lot of my mind of late( and for years )so apologies to those who expected a chirpier blog like last week's. No, when things start winding down from a ten-year plan, it's expected that you'll feel deflated, as the sense of accomplishment quickly turns to thinking about the next step. It's been so long since I've thought about What Next that I'm almost giddy with the possibilities. My parents are seen to, mostly, so that means I can now focus on just Me; I've succeeded where I KNOW most others would have failed, but the personal cost to me has been high. As I expected and accepted. Yet things could have gone far worse had I not acted, and they could have gone sideways at any point along the way. I have to convince myself that where I am now, that where my family is now, is a success in most ways - not measured against the slippery and dangerous 'What Might Have Been' but still miles above where we could have all ended up - destitute, adrift or worse yet, separated in more than a few ways. BC is definitely still a Beginning for me, now more than ever... I just have to find my way back to my own road.
Aug 14 - Lazy Day Three
How awkward; I am feeling truly lazy today and I am not sure how I feel about that. Should I be ashamed that I am so worn out that my third day of vacation feels like the first, or should I be glad my body has recognized it is being given a chance to recuperate while my brain stops fizzling? It's very strange; I've been operating on such disparate personal and professional levels for so long to cope with stress that feeling them start to level out is extremely odd - like walking across a waterbed with a head cold carrying a full fishtank. Realizing that I do not have to worry about the coming week( save for travel plans )is such an alien experience that though I can conceptualize it, my body still reacts in anticipation of stress the same old way - again, part of the signs of total burnout and the need for vacation. Doing Nothing is not a failure then... instead it is the anticipation of positive change, when I can play a video game or read a book with all aspects of my mind in one place, instead of fractured, as I have been for so long. Who knows? Maybe by the time the month is over I'll be able to pick up a book again, or play a videogame, for more than 15 minutes at a time.
Here's hoping.
Whatever's wrong with my knees seems to be fading, so I hope( there's that word again )that it's something related to the ungodly amount of time I spent on my feet a week ago. Being on vacation may be just the cure that I needed, both physically and mentally... I don't want to tour Niagara with a cane. Been there, done that, have the wedding pics.
Next week's blog entry will be from Niagara - wahoo!!
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