Goals, Gotye and Goofs

The word of the week is renewal.

Jan 2 - Searching

As my 'career change' will happen in less than a month, I've been compiling all sorts of job-related articles to read - I have been for over a year, really. From ones like The 50 Best Careers of 2011 to Canada's Top 100 Employers to Pay Attention to What You Envy to Discover Work That You Love ( that's a long title! ), I'm going all-out to keep myself thinking ahead... while I still wonder if I'll get EI to help prolong my job search beyond a month or two. Ideally, I'd be able to take the next six months off to decompress. I'd be able to really dig into my writing while looking for jobs that will fit ME, not the other way around. Not to mention getting a lot of my To Do List done, with things like developing an exercise routine and getting a handle on my massive book collection( ie. document what titles I have, what to sell, what to keep )among other things. Six months - sounds like a pipe dream, yet I can but try; I've done a lot of what I've set out to do ten years ago, so this isn't much different, I just have to work on a tighter schedule of months, not years...

Jan 3 - Gotye

Quirky music and I go back a long way, to when I listened to songs from the old Doctor Demento Show. Songs such as 'Star Trekkin' and 'Wolf Creek Pass' were purposely funny ballads, designed to make you smile as you sung along( or hummed, in my case ). I like those sorts of songs FAR more than I should admit, though I also have an enduring love of deeper-layered works such as Sound Of Silence - it's a weird mix, but then so am I, some days. So when a work friend said this was her favourite song, I listened for a bit and was hooked; the video is quirky too. Have a gander and enjoy the mix of the quirky AND the sad that Gotye brings to their work in this song: 




There's already a great acoustic cover of the song here by Walk Off The Earth, though minus the cool visual art sequence of the original.

Jan 4 - Oops, missed!

The misfortunes of others are a rife source for comedy, sadly speaking about the human ability to laugh at another's pain. Yet we all do it, to various degrees; I myself draw the line at intentional violence, but the unintended nutshot so often featured on America's Funniest Home Videos will still get me to chuckle. As will mishaps of all kinds, such as this one:



And yes, the cat lived, in case you wondered - it's in the video comments!

Jan 5 - Zombie Trail game?

Many years ago, I remember playing a basic pioneer-adventure game called Oregon Trail, which teachers loved as it taught history at the same time. I just remember that it really sucked to be a pioneer in this game, as you usually died - but it was still fun to play to see if you COULD survive to win. Now I've found a spiritual successor to that game, a parody if you will: Organ Trail. It's built along the same very basic lines: get a station wagon full of survivors across a devastated America full of radiation and zombies by balancing your dwindling supplies with taking risks. It's the first game of it's kind that I can recall that captures the full breadth of the 'zombie apocalypse' in trying to reach a distant 'safe haven' by your wits alone. Try it out; it takes about an hour to play, so see if you can make it to the end with all five of your survivors alive and intact.

Jan 6 - A week to go

I thought about saving these few thoughts until after I left MMart, but they've been popping up in my head fairly regularly for the last year. In the main, I've been thinking on how I've been regularly employed for the last twenty years; sure, 17 of those were at 3 jobs, plus a few years as a party clown and my first job at the long-defunct Canadian arm of Rax Restaurants. So more than twenty years, with probably no more than 2 weeks of work missed due to illness or other serious problems in all that time - not a bad record. A week from now, I'm going to be putting MYSELF out of work on purpose, to avoid serious illness or other problems - hows' that for irony? Yet it's long overdue; even typing this paragraph, I'm making mistakes that didn't happen years ago, due to my mental exhaustion and desire to do ANYTHING else other than continue at my current job.

If I can't even summon the desire and ability write, which is my passion, then there's absolutely no point in continuing as things are. I need to leave for a new path, wherever it takes me, no matter how unknown a future that is.

Jan 7 - Best of 2011

2012 is here, so the inevitable looking-back-on-2011 articles are flooding the web. Thankfully, there doesn't seem to be a lot of schmaltz out there, at least not at the sites I frequent. Lifehacker.com has a great Best Of 2011 article that contains a metric ton of interesting and useful articles from the last year. There's also Metacritic's Best of 2011, plus TechSpot's Best Gadgets of 2011 and even Publisher's Weekly Best Books of 2011, in many different categories.

And: 2012 has already seen a stellar gadget, The OLPC tablet... for roughly $100! Tech keeps advancing - sweet! Next thing you know, they'll be erecting skyscrapers in less than a month - oh, wait, China just DID that:



Jan 8 - Washing My Mind Out

Today was a bit of a wash, in some ways. I rose a little later than usual, ready to hop online and game for a bit on Xbox... but my controller batteries were both dead and refused to hold a charge. After a bit of fiddling, I managed to get one working, but it didn't charge fully so I've left it for the day - a quick search online showed they're no longer for sale most places, so that's bad. I also tried to get into NWN, but the blasted program's decided to endlessly max-and-minimize itself( ?? )in a loop when I start it under Win7. So again I tried to solve that little mystery, yet had to leave it unsolved by late afternoon; grrrr. Which left me with getting rid of the moderate headache I've had since Friday; short naps and Advils throughout the day have led me to the evening with only a few things done, but at least I've had a second day off to deal with such things, right? As an exciting close for the day, I dug into writing up a 'Departure Document' for work, an objective somewhat-brief summary of all the things that have caused me to leave, be they small, large or seemingly inconsequential. I'll be giving a copy of this to my DM and his boss, to do with as they will - most likely most of it will be ignored, yet I can't just let things go without documenting why I'm leaving in as non-bitter a way as I can manage. I'm being honest, and it also lets me express for myself the many, many reasons WHY I'm leaving, so I can clearly see why it's right for me to go.

I think that's the best part of the whole exercise for me, mentally. Writing down all the things that have driven close to crazy over the years, so I can let them all go.

Yes, I make up all my haiku's myself, as I find my creativity returning the closer I draw to my last day at MMart. From there, I can only grow and thrive in a new life... as I intended to do 4 years ago when I moved to BC. A little delayed, but I am finally getting there!

Friendship, Finales and Doing Just Fine

The word of the week is finale. 

Dec 26 - Friendship 

Boxing Day was something I skipped again this year, though some other people stood in line at 6am for some good bargains - not me, as I already managed to score a sweet new TV this fall despite some crazy-making machinations( on Oct 27th ) to get it. No, I just worked today( it was steady, not busy )and went home only a little tired. 

Today was instead about friends; I received an email from a good friend about my decision to leave the soul-and-body-killing job I have now to strike out into the unknown. They were incredibly supportive, relating stories of similar choices from their own life and how those choices to jump into the wild have paid off in spades - they are doing what they want to do, on their own terms, and doing more than just surviving day to day. I spoke to them on the phone later in the evening, again just thrilled that I am so lucky to have people of such quality in my life; I don't think I do nearly as much for others as they do for me. I try to be the best person I can be, the best friend I can be and take what comes from that with as much grace and dignity as I can manage. Apparently it's the right thing to do, as I still have many  fantastic friends! 

Though I still manage somehow to forget the occasional birthday. :-/ 

Dec 27 - Aaron visits! 

True friendship stands the test of time; despite the years between meetings, friends for life will meet as though only days have passed since you last met. Such was the case with my friend Aaron today, who went out of his way to visit me here in Victoria for a few hours, over from Vancouver. I picked him up from the bus station and drove out to Langford, where we had lunch at The Fountain Diner( delicious pancakes! )and then took a quick trip to see my place on Bear Mountain. We talked all the while about life in general, catching up( sometimes awkwardly on my part )and really enjoyed each other's company - again, the mark of a true friend. It really felt like only a few weeks since I'd last seen him, though in truth it had been over 6 years, at his wedding. Having friends like Aaron makes life worthwhile, as they reflect on your own worth: like finds like, and in this case we've found each other for life. That is beyond price and worth crossing continents for, in my mind. 

Dec 28 - Respect at work? Too late.

While I was at work today, I received a call from another work DM I've worked with elsewhere in BC; apparently he heard through the grapevine in HR that I was leaving and wanted to talk to me - not talk me out of it, just talk. I was impressed that I'd made an impression on him and we jawed about various work issues for a good half-hour while I sat outside in my van, watching the rain soak the Island as it has all week. He mentioned quite a few things that I had suspected, that all was not sunshine in the company and that it was making 'incredible' people such as myself jump ship. I was friendly and tactful, as I respect this particular DM and kept things to topics that I could comment on without being bitter, just truthful. It was an insightful and illuminating conversation that I could have used five years ago, though it would not have made a difference to my paycheque or to the direction the company would still have taken. No, it was the level of respect for my abilities, skills and experience I think that I was thankful for the most, things that until this call I had never thought anyone in MMart would acknowledge in any more than the most shallowly briefest of mentions. It made me feel good, in that the decision to leave IS the right one, that I have rightly sensed the ship is sinking by the captain's own hand and it is time to set sail on my own. 

Dec 29 - 15 years ago, snow! 

There's been none of the white stuff( snow... )in Victoria so far this winter, which is part of the point of living here. I've only met a few locals who expressed a wish for a white Christmas; the rest seem quite content not to have to don boots and grab snow shovels every few days for months at a time. Yet every year is different; back in 1996, Victoria broke a ton of records for the most snowfall in 24 hours, even worse than when I was here in 2008. They called it a 'Whitemare' though I don't think it was as bad as the Blizzard of '77, which was called 'The White Death' - I remember it as a small child, being pulled on a sled along the center of our street. The snow was piled so high in continuous banks that I couldn't see even the tops of houses the entire trip to the corner store; we had a pile on our front lawn that was turned into a snow fort that was the last thing to melt anywhere around. That was cool.

Dec 30 - Hard-won wisdom 

Here's some hard-earned wisdom for you, that I thought I'd pass along at the end of this, one of the hardest years of my life. There's been many a difficult year, but none of them have put me under the physical and emotional stress that this one has, at almost continuous levels. 

Which is where the wisdom comes in: experience. If you are presented with a problem and deal with it, you learn for the next time. If it's an emotional stress, then you'll have that in your toolkit when dealing with similar situations, be they of the heart or of the mind( especially love ). 

That's it - simple. If you haven't had to deal with a situation before, you'll survive it( believe you will )and the next time you'll go into it knowing you've licked it before. Nobody likes dealing with the unknown, but it gets easier with time... and experience.

Dec 31 - Novel New Year's Eve 

The last day of the year should always be a time of reflection, as well as of celebration. Nowadays it's more of the former than the latter, and tonight was no exception; after work, I stayed in... not having any invites to go out also contributed to that decision, too. I used the time to relax and to polish off the novel outline I'd been working on for the last three months, which didn't amount to much new work, just a lot of tidying. Most of it had been percolating in my pickled brain since the end of August( and before )so most of my evening was a relaxed re-working of some solid ideas into a whole. Which turned out to be something I was quite happy with, re-reading - there's room for depth, action, character development and a happy half-dozen other things that all combine into good novel material. I dislike being constrained in my material, and with this outline I think I can really stretch my writing skills to bring the reader along for a close ride with my creations. 

Old Year shuffles past,

Patting New Year on the head.

"You'll do just fine, kid." 

I watched the ball drop in Niagara Falls on live TV, too. And I listened to Zooey Deschanel sing a lovely duet about New Year's Eve, have a listen: 

Jan 1 - New Beginnings And Tattoos

The first day of a new year; 2012 should see MANY positive changes in my life, most of them by MY choice, for a change. A month from now I will be happily( if a little nervously )unemployed, freeing up my time to pursue my writing ambitions. I'll also be looking for a new job, which will coincide with a true career search - more and more, customer service seems to be unappealing, as I want to leverage my skills along WITH my creativity and so try to avoid trading one stressful job for another. I'll also be working on my social life, checking out local groups to join and places to meet people, whom I'll be showing a much truer vision of myself to than the sad, exhausted, angry, emotional zombie I've been for the last few years. Happiness is change! 

At noon I saw The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with a friend; we both agreed it was an unhappy tale with a LOT of hard-to-watch scenes, that also spoke about the possibility of redemption in a harsh world. The film was quite dark visually and story-wise, I have to say; I didn't read the books, and I still may not for a while. Definitely NOT a date movie! That didn't stop me from enjoying the rest of the evening in NWN; part of my day earlier was spent watching back-to-back episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender, which is a well-written cartoon series that encompasses the changes happening in an interesting world where the four elements define each of the nations involved in a developing struggle for power. The series is MUCH better than the 2010 movie( utter crap )so if you want to watch a quality story develop with interesting characters, have a go.

A positive new year begins - watch this space for good news in 2012!!!! 

Hobbits, Home and Happiness

The word of the week is hobbit !!!

Dec 19 - Lonely Guy On The Trolley

I took the Langford Trolley home from work today, of which both things were unremarkable. But while I was on the trolley, I overheard a conversation between two guys that was rather telling of the season: it was about loneliness. Seems the one guy was alone, more so than I've heard in a long time. Both his parents were dead, he had no siblings and no close family members this side of the Rocky Mountains. He was divorced, so the large family on his ex-wife's side was no longer a welcoming place for him. All he has are his friends, one of whom was with him on the trolley tonight.

Thinking about it, I was again stuck by how lucky I am, to have my parents with me here in BC and to have a loving sister to talk to when we can. I've been blessed with a massive extended family on my dad's side, who growing up really showed me how close all one's loving aunts, uncles and cousins can be. Being where I am now in BC, I am away from almost all of my good friends, which this time of year really pulls at my heart - I don't have any parties to attend this year, same as last year. This is the time of year to spend with friends and family, so I'll take my family and think about the friends I have that I'll see again perhaps in the new year... as well as some new friends I hope I'll make when I get some more free time after leaving MMart soon.

Dec 20 - The Hobbit Movie Trailer!

Ohboyohboyohboyohboy!!!! *ahem* I rarely get excited about things, so when I say this is THE most excited I've been since my eighth birthday, you know I'm talking something special: The Hobbit trailer was released today!

As most of you know, I love fantasy and especially J.R.R. Tolkien - while I can't recite whole sections of the book from memory as some can, his works have stayed with me since the day I read them as a child. Especially The Hobbit; that book influenced me more than any other I've read before or since. So today's trailer was an appetizer to the fantasy feast that will be released in December 2012, which I can barely wait for - I've literally waited my whole life for this film to be realized, over thirty years. Huzzah!! Enjoy!

Dec 21 - Lost and Found!

Ah, irony: it crops up so unexpectedly. Recall how I spoke recently of replacing my 'old' cell phone? The one that I've never lost these last 4 years? Well, I lost it last night - the belt clip failed me and I searched for it at home, work, in the car and all points between; nada. My parents and a co-worker checked the parking lot at work later on last night just in case, but again no luck. After suspending the phone, I went to bed thinking that I would have to get a new phone a lot earlier than I had planned.


But in the morning, I got a phone call: the phone was found! Apparently it had slipped my belt on the outside stairs up from the parking garage, a route I normally do not take save to mail work letters on my way home( there's a mailbox at the top of the stairs ). I'd not thought to look there for it, having forgotten I'd come that way instead of my normal route. A guy in the Bear Mountain office found it on HIS way to work, and called me soonest. I went down there ASAP and thanked him quite honestly, but he was busy and really just wanted me out of his office - I was definitely the happier of the two of us and again thankful for the kindness of strangers in this part of the world!

Dec 22 - Errol Flynn, Writer??

Talk about something I'd never have guessed: today I found out that Errol Flynn, superstar of the early Hollywood, was a frustrated writer? Who could have guessed? Apparently this was something that was with him for his whole career as a film actor, which makes me wonder about choices. Here we had someone who was at the top of his game: rich, famous and able to do almost whatever he wanted while adored by millions. Yet for all that, he still yearned to write, to be taken seriously in that capacity despite his other obvious gifts that had led him to fame and fortune. I find that fascinating, that someone who had attained such heights would still aspire for something else totally unrelated... and in so doing be inspiring in a way unlike the rest of what his work and life might have shown others was possible. Thanks, Errol!

Dec 23 - Work and Games

Today I felt like I was in some sort of retail video-game; for 5.5 hours straight I ran around like crazy serving customers and taking phone calls - alone. By the time help arrived and I backed carefully away from the counter, I had served one person every 3.5 minutes with no break; ouch. Then I went to close the OTHER store, as( you guessed it )we're short-staffed. At least all I had to do there was be busy to a lesser degree; an exhausting 12.5 hours.

Which brings us to the Year In Games 2011 trailer from X-Play! An extremely well-done summary of the best of this year in video games, I love it! Watch:



Dec 24 - Good Eve!

Good things come in threes, sometimes. Today is Christmas Eve, I'm off work and I don't have a lick of shopping left to do - I didn't do ANY this year and it felt great to avoid the whole mess of consumerism and stress( I have enough already ). But it got me to wondering, as I sometimes do, about how Christmas Eve might be different if this were a different world, or time; there's a lot of stories and movies out there about just this subject, but I'll let you, dear reader, discover those on your own. For tonight, I'll leave you with a little gem just discovered today, shared by Patricia Tallman, star of TV and films such as Night Of The Living Dead... so perfect for the holidays, when everyone's dead tired!

Dec 25 - Merry SpongeBob!

As I've mentioned, there were no presents this year in my family; the best one we could POSSIBLY have gotten was the news months ago that my mom would live instead of succumbing to the then-unknown deadly danger of blood clots. So this year( and in years to come )it's going to be a low-key family Christmas, just spending time with each other and enjoying the peacefulness. I did however, get an unexpected gift in the mail, one I'd not thought would arrive until January: the First 100 Episodes of Spongebob Squarepants arrived on Friday! It's one of the few shows where I can completely relax and get into to laugh, without overthinking or looking for layers - it's all right there on the screen, and I am grateful for that of late. I watched more than a few episodes on and off as the day progressed, laughing all the way. In fact, I spent a good part of the day just soaking in the Christmas spirit from the boob tube, trying to avoid the teeth-hurting shows and specials to focus more on the ones that really brought across people genuinely caring for each other and enjoying all that the season brings. It was a good day, with a lot of quiet time and a good amount of family time just spent relaxing.

Have to do it again next year, I think. :-)

Merry Christmas, everyone... and to all, a good night!

Tigers, Truth and (Christmas)Trees

The word of the week is unrequited...

Dec 12 - The Truth Is Out!!!

Yes, today was the day: I told my work I was leaving. Not a 2-Week Notice, but a heads-up that I won't be here by the end of January 2012, a month away. Some people have said this is more notice than they deserve( like a month's worth! )but it's meant to give them time to shuffle the deck and look for someone to step into my role - not to replace me, since that's impossible. There's no chance of reconciliation, of a better pay scale, of kissing and making up: I'm gone, cutting ties as gracefully as I can despite my primitive urge to let loose the Nasty Beast inside me that's suffered for so long. I'm better than that. 

But I didn't feel elated, in the end. After spending an hour with my DM at a Timmy's having a respectful talk, I felt like a solider stepping off the boat to find nobody waiting for him, just a long walk towards a home he's been so long away from that he doesn't quite remember the way. It's not relief, it's a level of numbness that will take a long while to heal with proper rest for the body and soul. That is also what I expected, just another step along the harder path, for which I started preparing myself for quite young - check out the pillow: 

Dec 13 - Stocking Up 

This week I've visited GoG.com and purchased a fair number of inexpensive older games for an average of $2.99 per game - amazing deals, those. Old games like the Baldur's Gate series, Starflight and Wing Commander III are all on my 'install later' list for 2012 now. I'm stocking up on games to keep me amused in the new year, though to be honest I'm a bit of a gamer dilettante: I play old game for amusement and nostalgia, not to finish them. There's something about leaving some parts of a game for 'next time' that means I'll never truly be finished with them that appeals to me. Finishing a game and never, ever playing it again makes me sad on some primal level, I think; that's why I almost never do it. 

Or I'm just lazy and easily distracted. Could be that too. 

Dec 14 - Mah Head Hurts, Pa ... 

As a day off, today was mostly a wash; I spent a good part of the day trying to rid myself of a bad headache, ALMOST a migraine but I caught it in time in the early AM. I'm lucky in that I can recognize the early signs now after having had them for most of my life; I credit it to too much intelligence crammed into an already oversized head. Or barometric pressure, which seems the more plausible answer if one sticks to the available data. It's no fun having headaches for no good reason, as it really bites into what you can do in a day; watching TV is out( too bright )as is listening to music. I can read sometimes, if the light isn't too close to the page, but in general a bad headache day means I just write it off and get what I can do in between naps and headache tablets. As I've said before, I've gone from one a week in ON to one every other month or so in BC, so that's a huge improvement. If I could go to one migraine every 6 months, I'd be ecstatic - though I wouldn't cheer too loudly about it, just in case. 

Dec 15 - A boy and his tiger

Some of you may not know the name Bill Watterson. If so, then you need to immediately stop reading this and pick up a copy, ANY copy, of a Calvin &  Hobbes comic, in whatever form you so choose. 

Millions of people loved( and still love )the quirky comic strip that Bill created, that told the travails of a little brat named Calvin and his tiger buddy Hobbes. It was over 15 years ago that Bill stopped writing Calvin &; Hobbes, to the despair of said millions, but in a very rare interview he's said he has no regrets stopping when he did, at the height of the comic's popularity. It's a testament to how beloved the strip was that so many people still treasure it, in many ways: 

Dec 16 - 30 Things 

Lists: there's a TON of lists out there on the internet, literally millions of things ordered about any topic under the sun. Most are somewhat trivial, but a good many are quite useful, like 30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself. Once you get your mind out of the gutter regarding the title, this particular list makes a lot of sense; after reading it, I could personally identify with most of the things it talks about, especially regarding my own needs which I've put aside for so very, very long. Too long. 2012 is going to be my 'Year of Renewal' - on many levels. Personal, social, financial, workplace too - all of those and more will see shifts in the new year. Some slow, some fast, but all of them changing to orient themselves towards my own personal compass and not those of others - I want to see where the new direction takes me. 

Dec 17 - Happy Not-Shopping!!

It's a week until Christmas Eve and I'm feeling very mellow about the whole holiday buzz. Mainly because I've stepped aside from it this year, for various reasons - my family's gone low-key, to keep costs down and also because we really want to avoid buying things, instead of just spending time with each other. I'm so VERY happy NOT to have had to push through consumer-bound crowds at the malls or wait in long lines to purchase expensive proof of how much I care about people - I'm past that. The occasional gift each year to come will be ones bought with great forethought, or even better yet created by my own hands( meaning the less crafty, the better ). One thing we've learned as a family is that Stuff Accumulates and Sentiment is fleeting; that Amazing Gift you got ten years ago is now most likely broken, obsolete or lost in a box somewhere. But the memories remain, along with the pictures. Right? 

Dec 18 - Virtual Party Time!!

After a busy workday, I was looking forward to getting home and just relaxing, as tonight was a party, of sorts: some friends and I gathered in NWN to celebrate Christmas with each other. There were(virtual )gifts given and rounds of trivia played. Songs were sung and silliness was spread along with good cheer and friendly banter. There were similar gatherings in other online places in past years, but as always things change and people move on. Tonight, I spent a good few hours with friends I've made recently online and thought of those who no longer come round the virtual door any more. I hope they are doing well in their lives, and that they occasionally think about the friends they spent time with back then, as we are all wont to do. Remember the good times, and forget about the bad. Easier to do online, in some ways, though as I mentioned above: there will always be the pictures: 

Santa brought her a pony for Christmas! Yay!

Have a Very Merry Christmas next weekend, everyone!!! 

Feelings, Forgetting and Futurama

The word of the week is trepidation. 

Dec 5 - Phone me later? 

Inevitably, my love of technology draws me to peruse the latest offerings, despite my professed lack of a 'need' for such things. Such as smartphones; I've had the same phone now for 4 years and it's perfectly functional... just not exciting or terribly useful for things like texting or email. Or anything else. 

Whereas the HTC DesireHD( new in Nov. 2010 ) and the Mororola Droid Razr ( very new in Nov 2011 )are BOTH very exciting phones, if somewhat battery-hungry with moderate media use. Seeing as I own a tablet, I don't need a phone to carry ALL my media with me( Futurama episodes! )as I'd rather have a larger display. But for checking email, FBook status updates and general ease-of-use apps, a decent smartphone seems to be the way to go. Heck, I used my iPhone 3G for only a few things daily, as it was slow, pokey and prone to lockups; go figure. Getting a new phone WOULD mean going on another contract, so I'm saving that painful decision for the new year, when hopefully I will have found out if I have a new job. 

Or not. We shall see: new job, new phone? Kind of a synergy / incentive there. 

Dec 6 - Forget something, stupid? 

Sometimes I wonder about my sanity this past year; what can you really measure your sanity by? Incessant talking to yourself? Nope, not us. Hearing voices? Nope, just my bluetooth headset. Forgetting important things lately? Well... 

That could just be excessive stress. Or stupidity; take your pick. 

Today's shining example is my forgetting the birthday of a lifelong friend; yeah, THAT kind of stupidity. I usually set calendar reminders for dates like today - important dates you do NOT want to forget. Yet somehow it slipped past me and now I have to live with that Feeling Like An Ass feeling for a while. It's only the second time this has ever happened( the first was a family member in my early teens; never again! )so I'll just use it as another flog to keep my focus sharp until I can get out from the stress factor that's warping my brain. It's subtle, the things it does to you... and annoying, as I can lose my concentration despite my best efforts. "Oooh, shiny thing!" - like that. Still doesn't make it better. 

Next year? A wall-sized calendar. With lights. 

Dec 7 - Bye Bye, Bean 

The Mountain Bean has closed 'for the winter' as of last week... and I don't expect to see it back in the spring. The windows are all papered over and from the total lack of customers for the last few months, I doubt anyone will return if they open again. They're an excellent example of having no real business plan, ignoring what their customers liked( and wanted! )and simply doing what the owners wanted, irregardless of the realities of their location. Which sucks, as I DID enjoy going there to sit in front of their HUGE fireplace during the cold months, reading and writing and generally relaxing. Everyone NEEDS a place to go that is not home OR work, and for almost a year the Mountain Bean was that place for me. Things have changed, but not so much that I'll miss the memory of what it was, now that it is gone. 

Which makes the news that Tim Horton's is going upscale all the more timely. There's no Timmy's within easy walking / cycling distance of where I am here on Bear Mountain, but change is coming all the same soon. As I've already observed with McDonalds, the larger fast food chains are waking up to the fact that people WILL spend more if they can STAY a little longer, in a little nicer surroundings. As for me, I try to avoid the local Starbucks, they are all three rather small and out of the way - maybe when I move in the spring it will be closer to a nice cafe somewhere that I can get out to more often? Hmm. Idea:

The Three Starbucks!!

Dec 8 - DC Universe MMO ? 

I'm hoping that I'll have a decent experience trying out DC Universe Online, which just went free-to-play this month. I like the character options and the huge open world, filled with heroes and villains and eye candy. I've not played an MMO at all, since I have an aversion to paying a monthly fee and a bigger aversion to dealing with the crowds of morons said massive-user online games bring with them. It's hard to get into the 'fantasy' of being a character in another reality when the people around you won't stop dragging their own boring reality along with them. Time and again. It's like people who insist on talking on their phones during movies, bringing the rest of the audience out of the place the movie's creators want to take you to - rude, inconsiderate and downright annoying. Which is why I've stuck with NWN all these years: the morons are quickly identified and shown the door before they wreck the place too much. 

Dec 9 - Futurama, Fifth Season! 

It's back! A little old news: Futurama has returned for a fifth season... earlier this year. THIS month I finally found said season on sale on Amazon for a reasonable price, so I caved in and it arrived today; huzzah! I love this show for its irreverent take on life, the universe and everything( miss you, Douglas Adams... )which is evident in many of the episodes. Like The Simpsons, Futurama loves to make social commentary without being too obvious or political( like South Park, which overdoes it quite often to be 'funny' ... ). A great example of this is below, enjoy: 

Dec 10 - Lovely 

As some of you may have noticed, the subject of love has been on my mind a lot of late - no additional stress there, surely. No, I've thought a lot about what it means to BE in love: what are the signs, and how does a crush, or infatuation, differ from the deeper signs that you have fallen for someone? 

And what to do about it also comes up. I've been subject to some unwanted attention over the years - not a lot, mind you, just from a few people I definitely did NOT want to be with, for various reasons. It was a hard thing to let them down gently( and firmly )as I'm not a brusque person. But I also did not want to lead them on; definite disinterest was expressed fairly quickly. 

So when it comes to my own situation, in gauging if someone IS interested in me that I DO like, well... it's still not clear to me. As I've said before, I'm going to push as much as I can for a clear answer and move on from there. 

Wherever that takes me. Or, if I am lucky: us. 

Dec 11 - Rest, needed

Sundays seem to be a catch-up day for me, where I try to finally get around to the things I couldn't get to during the week. Or the week before. Or before that - you get the idea. Cleaning, papers in piles to be sorted, getting some of the grime off the car; all of these are the mundane things that should be done daily( -ish )but that I don't have the energy, or the desire, to do daily. Partly it's the energy thing( I need more exercise )but partly it's just the total lack of desire; I try to relax when I can and not fall asleep for too long before my real bedtime, as that just throws me off. Today at least was a good mix of accomplished tasks( albeit minor ones )and some solid relaxing time; the extended Blu-Ray edition of The Two Towers looked and sounded great! And an evening of NWN is always welcome for the excellent diversion it offers, as well as the chance to explore some facets of character; always a plus for a writer. And I squeaked in some poetry there too, which was a plus. A good day off, especially as I've worked 

Tomorrow( Monday )will be when I inform my DM I am leaving in January, and not returning. I will do all that I can to make it a pleasant, fact-based conversation, as I do not hold much against him in particular, just the company. I just intend to inform him that I will be happier not working for MMart in any capacity very shortly, and if he wants to get into the nitty-gritty, I have a list prepared - it's a done deal, as far as I'm concerned; all I have to do is inform him and from there he has to deal with the ramifications therin. 

Always fun, Mondays... 

Pressure, Passing and Peons

The word of the week is euphemism. Accept no substitutes. 

Nov 28 - Karma, again??? 

At last: I handed over my second branch to another manager today. It went smoothly and I felt a sense of relief for no longer being responsible for two busy main branches in the region. Just one, and the best of the bunch really. 

Edit: That feeling lasted just until the next day, when I was told the new manager had injured her hand and was going to be off for two weeks, at the least. 

This is what my life seems to be: moments of balance between chaos and craziness. When I close one door, two windows and a skylight open to dump things on me. Which is strange, since I ALWAYS try to see the positive in things and not get upset when this happens, as it does on a regular basis. 

What I can say is that this is definitely leading me to be cautious, TOO cautious, about really enjoying things. My experience these last twenty years has been that the enjoyment will quickly end, and never by MY own choice. 

I hate that realization; I WANT to enjoy things, to smile and laugh and not have something waiting around EVERY corner to trip me and steal my smile. Which means I have to walk that balance all the harder, to keep from falling. 

Nov 29 - Bright Lights passing 

Two distinctly bright cultural lights passed this month that I want to mention here, for their definite and different influences on me. The passing of my uncle earlier this month as well reminds me that we are all here too briefly. 

Ann McCaffrey was the author of the Pern series of books whose world is of far-off colonists whose world is shared with dragons. I admired the strong female protagonists that filled all of Anne's stories, whose influence has helped me develop my own distinct characters of the opposite sex that are a far cry from cardboard cutouts I have seen in too many stories. Anne's works taught me that there is equality in all things, that strengths and weaknesses are common to both sexes in all measures. Lovely works. 

John Neville was an actor of the stage and screen, whose presence and distinctive voice indelibly stick in your mind. His role as the titular Baron in Terry Gilliam's The Adventures of Baron Munchausen from 1988 still brings me delight when I watch the film; I never tire of it. He was in many other films, another of which was The Fifth Element( again a fave of mine )with a small role. Also being tall, elegant and Very English helped his career along rather well, wouldn't you say? 

Nov 30 - End of the world, eh? 

Only a year and a few weeks to go before the world is supposed to end on Dec 21, 2012. THAT should be an interesting holiday shopping season, eh? 

NASA has put up a page on 2012, specifically to address concerns about the likelihood of any particular disaster happening, like an asteroid strike. It's a tickle to see how they relate it to Y2K back in 2000, when the world was supposed to end when everything computerized crashed due to the date errors caused by having only 2 digits for the year, instead of 4. As we're all still here, it was quite a bust - it's not QUITE that simple, but it's a good start to debunking End Of The World hysteria. 

Or, we could have a future world where only robots survive: 

Looks pretty sweet, even for an on-rails shooter. Love the apocalypse art style!

Dec 1 - Waiting Game

I've sent off a half-dozen promising job applications in the last month, to places I'd be pleased to work at. So far, a few of them have got back to me with the standard 'We have received your application' message, but that's it. 

Now I wait and hope for the callback that means I can give my notice sooner than I anticipated. Right now there is NO replacement for me in the wings, so I hope the timing is such for a new job that I can give more than the standard two weeks notice to allow my DM time to find and train someone. Who will be a decent manager in my stead, but I know can never be a replacement - I'm very good at what I do, but it's not what the company wants. If it's not revenue, then it's WAY down on the priority list. So things like supporting co-workers when nobody else answers their phone, keeping the lights working, computers running, supplies stocked and answering the thousand questions that only experience can answer properly mean little. 

Stupid, right? But that's a corporation for you. Revenue is king; let the peons starve. 

Dec 2 - The Night Eye 

Tonight is what today's entry is about: specifically, the moon. 

Spectacular; the air was cold and clear and crisp. The quarter moon hung in the sky like a lidded eye, looking down upon a still, quiet Victoria all around. 

Which inspired me to write a small haiku, which flew from my fingers: 

The moon winked at me, 

"I have a secret," it said. 

"The sun shall rise soon." 

Now, I should say that ALL my haikus have layers of meaning and context, despite being simple word-forms. In this case, I was commenting on what I had seen tonight: the beauty and the simplicity of the moon. 

I was also commenting on the broader scope of my life, on the hope for positive change in the near future for me. Night turning to day, if you will. 

Also, the yin-yang of the sun and the moon, as represented by the picture above, speaks towards my desire to find someone special. Perhaps an opposite, perhaps not... but someone warm, to end my long night of years. 

And a lot of other things... but that's for you to discover when reading the words. They might fit your life too, make you smile, or just sink in for later. 

Dec 3 - I'm not the jealous type ... 

There are few things in this world that I am jealous of, money not being one of them. As those of you who have read some of my blog know, I don't look at others and see things I could have had... but see reflections of what I do have. Love, however, is one of the few things that I am still searching for and that I see so many others having, yet I do not. I'll not go into the many levels of that thought here, suffice to say that I still think it will happen... but I hope it won't be on a cruise ship when I'm in my seventies. That's too far, I think. 

So in the meantime, I'll add in a little of what a relationship should embody: scratching one's back. It's hard to do yourself, unless you happen to have a backscratcher. I really enjoyed a good back scratch when I was younger, but as I got older it sort of fell by the wayside... until recently, when I found in passing a simple bamboo backscratcher. It's funny, but I never realized the lack until I brought the thing home; it really does a great job. Yet I know it's a poor substitute for the touch of another... but I can't buy that, at any price. 

Dec 4 - Under pressure... from Nature?

The weather here for the last few days has been rather stagnant, with a high-pressure system sitting over Vancouver Island going nowhere. This hasn't been so bad as it's brought a fair bit iof sunshine, but the air pressure has been causing me headaches. It's like wearing tight hats all day long; eventually your brain starts to hurt and for me I can almost hear it rattle when I shake my head. Which also hurts.

I should say that it's nowhere NEAR as bad as when I was in ON, where the barometric pressure would swing wildly from day to day causing me major migraines with active weather systems. No, here in BC it's a gradual thing, which I can control with the occasional headache tablet. If you can imagine wearing a too-tight hat all day long, you might appreciate how I feel when that combines with stress, a busy day at work, and so forth. I can't say that I'll be glad to see some rain around here, but at least I know that the pressure will lessen when the skies do open up. After a long day working today, I'll be glad to rest on my day off tomorrow - I hope. 

Job news this week, I hope - I'm itching to give my notice, and by the middle of December I may just do so, albeit at the minimum two weeks in advance. I'd do it now, but if I give five weeks notice and THEN I get a job offer, I may be stuck explaining why I can't start until sometime in January. Ah, pressure... 

Power, Pictures and Plans

The word of the week is recognition. 

Nov 21 - Plans formulating... 

Escape is at hand. I have a plan to leave my job ASAP and I am working on the details right now. As I don't YET have a new job lined up, I have to plan for the possibility that it may be months until I find a decent one, even a job that will tide me over until I find something MUCH better. 

But the wheels are in motion; I've scaled back everything that I am doing at work to 'not really caring' mode, where the necessities are done but things that pertain to revenue, performance or 'DM wants it done' can kiss my ass. 

I'm finished with that place; from several conversations with friends of friends, I should be expecting a LOT more pay for a LOT less stress as a manager with my experience. So I have a LOT to look forward to wherever I go, not the least of which being respect for my skills and my efforts. 

Not too much to ask, is it? 

Nov 22 - Picture In Picture returns! 

The new TV's been excellent, nice and big and bright; combined with the sound bar it's been a great experience. There is some minor clouding that can be seen when the picture changes to a dark screen, but since I had it calibrated last week, it's hardly noticeable any more - the colours are perfect and true. 

One feature I love is the Picture in Picture - FINALLY I have a TV again that has this function I've missed so much! I multitask a lot, so having a small( or large )picture of a TV show or DVD I like running while I write, surf or do other things is just amazing... I don't know why more TV's don't include this feature, as it's not terribly expensive to add compared to things like 3D or other 'premium' TV features. Love it! 

Nov 23 - Power on! 

Aha! At last, a TV series that hasn't been available on DVD for decades is finally coming out AND in high-quality Blu-Ray to boot! The terribly-named Captain Power and the Soldiers Of the Future was a sci-fi live-action kid's show set in a post-apocalyptic future where machines ruled the world... see why I liked it? I later found out that the show was written by J. Michael Straczynski, who would end up writing and producing my all-time fave show Babylon 5... but I liked this show a lot even before I found out who JMS was! 

Nov 24 - Nature Abhors a Vacuum

I have too many paper books, but I can't bring myself to get rid of too many of them. Many are out of print and others are favourites that have been with me for many years, some of them all my life. With eBooks however, the problem of lack of storage space evaporates; I've got a few dozen eBooks on my ASUS tablet and that takes up hardly any space at all! 

One of the eBooks I've really enjoyed( and yet to finish )is Nature Abhors a Vacuum, written by first-time author Stephen L. Nowland. It's a great read, with memorable characters, interesting settings and a decent plot. I like it as well because it ties into the NWN game, which the author mentions he's played for years and helped shape the book. There are numerous parallels between his situation and my own, so I've really been reading on several levels to see how he managed to pull off such a great book right out of the gate. Taking notes, seeing the mistakes and learning is all part of the fun! 

Nov 25 - Corporations ARE evil... 

It's been over 3 weeks since my visit to the ER for chest pains and they have yet to return, so I think I'm in the clear. According to the doctor, they were likely triggered by stress and anxiety, which I've had in spades for a long, long time and intensely for the last few months. Only a handful of people have asked how I've been feeling lately, which again continues to irk me, but that's human nature at work: if you're still breathing, people will ignore you. 

Fortunately, the intense stress is winding down now that I've handed off one branch earlier in the month and I'll be passing off the second one Monday. That leaves me with one branch to run... which I won't be doing much longer if I have anything to say about it. The company's asinine policies and desire to work their employees to death for as little pay possible mean that I have no desire to work for them ever again, for any level of pay, in any capacity. 

Reading up on resignation letters has been educational; some of the comments about workplace horrors made my hair stand up, to hear what people were 'expected' to do as part of their jobs... AND THAT THE COMPANY POLICIES ENFORCED. People doing the work of three employees and the company EXPECTED them to fail and burn out within a year? Insane... read some of the comments here and educate yourself on corporate evil - THIS ONE really says it all about why to quit before you go nuts. 

Nov 26 - Family 

I have to say something here about family support, as it's critical to my frame of mind for the last decade or so. My dad's not been working much in the last month or so, given that he's had to be available to get my mom to the hospital and be with her while she's there; also, work's been slow for the airporter he drives and loves so much. Yet both my parents have been 100% behind my leaving MMart ASAP, even moreso these last few months as they've seen how drained of energy and stressed out I've been. They're willing to support me for as long as it takes to get me on my feet again, as I've supported them for years now to ensure they make it to their retirement alive and properly set up financially. As a family, we've always been there for each other, my sister as well - it's this kind of unconditional mutual support, on many levels, that has kept me going when I thought I would fail. 

I don't like failing, but I learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. Ever.

Nothing wrong with that; it lets you look to the future and not dwell long on the errors of the past. Right now, my family's there to help me towards my future, even as I let go of the need to support them - that's in the past now. 

Nov 27 - Early Not-A-Day-Off-After-All

I woke at 6am today, with my thoughts whirling; I had to finally put a lot of them onto paper, all about why I was going to leave work. It took an hour, but I had several pages of points to wave at my DM when I figure out the exact time to tell him. Probably this week, as soon as I work out how to leave properly - all part of my plan to not screw myself over much when I go. 

We'll skip how I worked AGAIN on my day off today, save that it was to cover a CSR who went to the hospital last night; she's stellar, so I went in today and got nothing done as it was stupidly busy the entire time. The usual. 

When I was home late in the evening, I watched The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe on TV. I absolutely loved CS Lewis' classics from this series as a child, as it spurred my imagination and really got me into the fantasy genre. Seeing this excellent film adaptation brought back memories of my childhood, when I devoured books like CS Lewis' works and begged for more; my imagination got quite a workout and has stayed active to this day. Despite the stress and mental overload, there's still a BIG corner of my brain where all the creatures of my childhood wait to visit in my dreams, to carry me places I've never been on adventures I've yet to have. They wait patiently and with love, for the time when reality can take a rest and my mind can wander with them again.


Soon.

Thanks to J for his very timely call and good advice this week; again I realize how blessed I am to have friends who care enough to call when they see I'm down and need a little lift. You have to pay attention and look outside your own box once in a while to see if other people need a little light added in...