Resignation, Reality and Robocop - Leaving Work in 2 weeks time!!!

The word of the week is perspicacity. 

Jan 9 - Technology is MAGICAL!!!!! 

Oh, wow... 

Technology can sometimes amaze me, I mean REALLY blow my mind; the video below is proof of that!! Why is it so special, you ask? 


Terran Trade Authority - Spacecraft 2000-2100AD from Adrian Mann on Vimeo.

Because it brought the pictures from my mind's eye as a child to LIFE! 

Background: In 1978, I received a large hardcover glossy-illustrated book called Spacecraft 2000-2100 AD, which I still have. Inside was page after page of fictional wonder: descriptions of spacecraft that never were, yet COULD have been, drawn in loving detail in 'action' with accompanying descriptions that told the story of each ship. Dozens of ships. It was mana from heaven to a young mind like mine was and I ate it up - I love the book still. 

Now those VERY SAME ships have been brought to life via the wonder of CGI and the dedication of one person named Adrian Mann. I cannot BEGIN to describe how PERFECTLY he has captured EVERY ONE of those drawings and brought each ship to life. Every picture from the book is replicated, from ship to foreground to background, with the exact colour palette and contextual to the description of the action going on in the scene depicted. It is truly WONDROUS to see what had( until now )only lived inside my imagination these thirty-some-odd years... to see it all rendered in motion left me speechless and applauding at the end. Remarkable. 

THAT is why I love technology, and always will: it can bring imagination to life!

Jan 10 - Joy Of Books 

I love bookstores; as much as they tempt me into NOT leaving without at least a small stack of tomes, I still just love the quiet possibilities that the shelves full of all kinds of books offer. The magic and the wonder of a good bookstore is captured in the video below, put together by a staffer of Type bookstore in Toronto. It's just spellbinding and magical to watch: 

Jan 11 - Real Robocop in Detroit? 

From books to bad guys: the cyborg cop of fictional film is going to get a life-size statue in Detroit! The Kickstarter.com project got full funding earlier this year and apparently is in full production swing this spring. Check out their blog page to see how this fascinating project came into being - it's not every day that a fictional character gets such support and following to turn them from an idea into reality. I'm tempted to take a detour through Detroit( scary as that is! )to snap a pic of myself and Robocop sometime in the future - which I am sure is just what the city's showrunners want people to think of doing. Go Robo! 

One person's concept... NOT mine!!!

Jan 12 - Super Dreams 

I don't usually talk about my dreams, which almost always are intricate and not that exciting( ie. violent or scary ). No, my dreams often reflect what my subconscious is going through, so for the last long while it's been a lot of longing for old days( repeat dreams from years ago, if you can believe it )and anxiety. As in the kind where you're suddenly standing naked in front of a huge crowd for no reason. Tonight, I had the 'Airplane Dream' again, where I was the pilot but I didn't know how to fly. Yet I was expected to take a plane full of unsuspecting passengers up into the sky without them knowing I wasn't qualified. There were more layers to it than that, though; something else was going on where I couldn't TELL anyone I wasn't a pilot, and I also knew that if I DID try to take off, I would crash the plane and kill us all. So that's the kind of 'anxiety dream' that I have, similar to other ones where I have to make a getaway in a suddenly-tiny car, or I am about to take a test and realize I didn't study nearly hard enough. I really hate those sorts of dreams... I much prefer the far-rarer ones where I'm a superhero! 

Not for the tights though; it's always about the cape, and flying free... speaking of which, the next entry below sums up that sentiment!

Friday the 13th - LEAVING MONEY MART !!!!!! 

BIG DAY.

It was a double today; open at Colwood, close at Cloverdale. Last one of those EVER that I will have to do though, as today I handed in my resignation to MMart, with 2 weeks notice. 

FINALLY.

I wanted to shout it out on FBook, out the window and to every customer that came in the door... but I kept my composure and spoke to my DM first to see how he wanted to handle it and make my decision then. He took the time to briefly speak to me at Cloverdale, so I had to wait until the afternoon; we both decided to leave the announcement until the staff party, which seemed all right to me. Staff will still have a week to get used to me leaving, and after that they'll only see me when I drop by on occasion with coffees... at least until everyone gets switched around or leaves, both of which are inevitable. 

It was tiring; I worked 13.5 hours, with a 30 min 'break' on the bus between stores. It was steady but not crazy( save for a few rushes )but I still crawled into bed exhausted well before midnight; I've picked up a cold this week from another manager and it's really socking it to me, starting with a sore throat. 

But I am DONE. The end is in sight. Shockingly, nobody has tried to talk me out of leaving, which I think is a clear sign that they all KNOW I need to go. 

Rather telling about the stress levels of the job, isn't it? 

Jan 14 - Why is it so BUSY when I'm already so tired? 

It's fitting that the day after I'd given my notice that I feel totally exhausted, like a marathon runner, perhaps. The cold is in full energy-draining swing and though the sore throat is lapsing, the runny nose has started. I was alone today at Colwood and the people would NOT stop coming in the door ALL day - by the end of my shift I had served one freakin' customer every 6.5 minutes; that's 6 customers an hour, not including all the usual phone calls that pour in. Toss in a fair number of 'please fix this' situations and I was VERY glad to go home to nurse my nose and doze on and off all evening 

I should mention I HATE colds; I really do, as I use the anger and annoyance that I've caught someone ELSE's germs to fight back against the tiny little buggers. A simmering annoyance throughout the day really kicks the body into getting rid of the cold, as long as you keep your energy levels up, I find. Sitting back and letting them have their way with my immune system smacks of surrender to me, and I fight against things I can't control with all my energy, when it makes sense. So far, my colds have all packed it in in just a few days, when I give them the Immune System Glare Boost... and take care of myself with fluids, rest and things like chicken soup and herbal supplements. 

Jan 15 - Damned Colds!!! 

My cold was in full swing today, but I went into work anyway - ALL the area staff were at a training seminar for tax season today, so there was no-one to spare. I had my trainee with me though, so she handled all the customers( a steady stream today )while I did my best with paperwork and tried to stay focused as my nose ran, plugged and ran again randomly. My trainee got me some chicken soup for lunch( on her! )and that helped for a while, but by day's end it was all I could do to keep focused to help her close on time. 

On a brighter note, I logged into NWN a little later after getting home to a lovely dinner of meatloaf( with mustard, yum! )to find another old friend had found our server. They went by the name of Jade and we chatted for a bit, not really catching up for all that long as I was very, very tired and nursing my nose. It was great to see them after a few years absence; they found my current server via my postings on Nichneven.com, which is one of the purposes of having that site - any of my old online friends can easily find it and see where I'm gaming. Have to love the connected world we're in now... 

That's about it; I'll struggle again through tomorrow and send myself home early ASAP when the closer arrives. I feel like I need to sleep at least 24 hours to get this cold out the door, as my sister is visiting this week and I don't want to be housebound OR give her the cold, gods forbid! To bed with a pile of Fisherman's Friend tablets beside me! 

Goals, Gotye and Goofs

The word of the week is renewal.

Jan 2 - Searching

As my 'career change' will happen in less than a month, I've been compiling all sorts of job-related articles to read - I have been for over a year, really. From ones like The 50 Best Careers of 2011 to Canada's Top 100 Employers to Pay Attention to What You Envy to Discover Work That You Love ( that's a long title! ), I'm going all-out to keep myself thinking ahead... while I still wonder if I'll get EI to help prolong my job search beyond a month or two. Ideally, I'd be able to take the next six months off to decompress. I'd be able to really dig into my writing while looking for jobs that will fit ME, not the other way around. Not to mention getting a lot of my To Do List done, with things like developing an exercise routine and getting a handle on my massive book collection( ie. document what titles I have, what to sell, what to keep )among other things. Six months - sounds like a pipe dream, yet I can but try; I've done a lot of what I've set out to do ten years ago, so this isn't much different, I just have to work on a tighter schedule of months, not years...

Jan 3 - Gotye

Quirky music and I go back a long way, to when I listened to songs from the old Doctor Demento Show. Songs such as 'Star Trekkin' and 'Wolf Creek Pass' were purposely funny ballads, designed to make you smile as you sung along( or hummed, in my case ). I like those sorts of songs FAR more than I should admit, though I also have an enduring love of deeper-layered works such as Sound Of Silence - it's a weird mix, but then so am I, some days. So when a work friend said this was her favourite song, I listened for a bit and was hooked; the video is quirky too. Have a gander and enjoy the mix of the quirky AND the sad that Gotye brings to their work in this song: 




There's already a great acoustic cover of the song here by Walk Off The Earth, though minus the cool visual art sequence of the original.

Jan 4 - Oops, missed!

The misfortunes of others are a rife source for comedy, sadly speaking about the human ability to laugh at another's pain. Yet we all do it, to various degrees; I myself draw the line at intentional violence, but the unintended nutshot so often featured on America's Funniest Home Videos will still get me to chuckle. As will mishaps of all kinds, such as this one:



And yes, the cat lived, in case you wondered - it's in the video comments!

Jan 5 - Zombie Trail game?

Many years ago, I remember playing a basic pioneer-adventure game called Oregon Trail, which teachers loved as it taught history at the same time. I just remember that it really sucked to be a pioneer in this game, as you usually died - but it was still fun to play to see if you COULD survive to win. Now I've found a spiritual successor to that game, a parody if you will: Organ Trail. It's built along the same very basic lines: get a station wagon full of survivors across a devastated America full of radiation and zombies by balancing your dwindling supplies with taking risks. It's the first game of it's kind that I can recall that captures the full breadth of the 'zombie apocalypse' in trying to reach a distant 'safe haven' by your wits alone. Try it out; it takes about an hour to play, so see if you can make it to the end with all five of your survivors alive and intact.

Jan 6 - A week to go

I thought about saving these few thoughts until after I left MMart, but they've been popping up in my head fairly regularly for the last year. In the main, I've been thinking on how I've been regularly employed for the last twenty years; sure, 17 of those were at 3 jobs, plus a few years as a party clown and my first job at the long-defunct Canadian arm of Rax Restaurants. So more than twenty years, with probably no more than 2 weeks of work missed due to illness or other serious problems in all that time - not a bad record. A week from now, I'm going to be putting MYSELF out of work on purpose, to avoid serious illness or other problems - hows' that for irony? Yet it's long overdue; even typing this paragraph, I'm making mistakes that didn't happen years ago, due to my mental exhaustion and desire to do ANYTHING else other than continue at my current job.

If I can't even summon the desire and ability write, which is my passion, then there's absolutely no point in continuing as things are. I need to leave for a new path, wherever it takes me, no matter how unknown a future that is.

Jan 7 - Best of 2011

2012 is here, so the inevitable looking-back-on-2011 articles are flooding the web. Thankfully, there doesn't seem to be a lot of schmaltz out there, at least not at the sites I frequent. Lifehacker.com has a great Best Of 2011 article that contains a metric ton of interesting and useful articles from the last year. There's also Metacritic's Best of 2011, plus TechSpot's Best Gadgets of 2011 and even Publisher's Weekly Best Books of 2011, in many different categories.

And: 2012 has already seen a stellar gadget, The OLPC tablet... for roughly $100! Tech keeps advancing - sweet! Next thing you know, they'll be erecting skyscrapers in less than a month - oh, wait, China just DID that:



Jan 8 - Washing My Mind Out

Today was a bit of a wash, in some ways. I rose a little later than usual, ready to hop online and game for a bit on Xbox... but my controller batteries were both dead and refused to hold a charge. After a bit of fiddling, I managed to get one working, but it didn't charge fully so I've left it for the day - a quick search online showed they're no longer for sale most places, so that's bad. I also tried to get into NWN, but the blasted program's decided to endlessly max-and-minimize itself( ?? )in a loop when I start it under Win7. So again I tried to solve that little mystery, yet had to leave it unsolved by late afternoon; grrrr. Which left me with getting rid of the moderate headache I've had since Friday; short naps and Advils throughout the day have led me to the evening with only a few things done, but at least I've had a second day off to deal with such things, right? As an exciting close for the day, I dug into writing up a 'Departure Document' for work, an objective somewhat-brief summary of all the things that have caused me to leave, be they small, large or seemingly inconsequential. I'll be giving a copy of this to my DM and his boss, to do with as they will - most likely most of it will be ignored, yet I can't just let things go without documenting why I'm leaving in as non-bitter a way as I can manage. I'm being honest, and it also lets me express for myself the many, many reasons WHY I'm leaving, so I can clearly see why it's right for me to go.

I think that's the best part of the whole exercise for me, mentally. Writing down all the things that have driven close to crazy over the years, so I can let them all go.

Yes, I make up all my haiku's myself, as I find my creativity returning the closer I draw to my last day at MMart. From there, I can only grow and thrive in a new life... as I intended to do 4 years ago when I moved to BC. A little delayed, but I am finally getting there!

Friendship, Finales and Doing Just Fine

The word of the week is finale. 

Dec 26 - Friendship 

Boxing Day was something I skipped again this year, though some other people stood in line at 6am for some good bargains - not me, as I already managed to score a sweet new TV this fall despite some crazy-making machinations( on Oct 27th ) to get it. No, I just worked today( it was steady, not busy )and went home only a little tired. 

Today was instead about friends; I received an email from a good friend about my decision to leave the soul-and-body-killing job I have now to strike out into the unknown. They were incredibly supportive, relating stories of similar choices from their own life and how those choices to jump into the wild have paid off in spades - they are doing what they want to do, on their own terms, and doing more than just surviving day to day. I spoke to them on the phone later in the evening, again just thrilled that I am so lucky to have people of such quality in my life; I don't think I do nearly as much for others as they do for me. I try to be the best person I can be, the best friend I can be and take what comes from that with as much grace and dignity as I can manage. Apparently it's the right thing to do, as I still have many  fantastic friends! 

Though I still manage somehow to forget the occasional birthday. :-/ 

Dec 27 - Aaron visits! 

True friendship stands the test of time; despite the years between meetings, friends for life will meet as though only days have passed since you last met. Such was the case with my friend Aaron today, who went out of his way to visit me here in Victoria for a few hours, over from Vancouver. I picked him up from the bus station and drove out to Langford, where we had lunch at The Fountain Diner( delicious pancakes! )and then took a quick trip to see my place on Bear Mountain. We talked all the while about life in general, catching up( sometimes awkwardly on my part )and really enjoyed each other's company - again, the mark of a true friend. It really felt like only a few weeks since I'd last seen him, though in truth it had been over 6 years, at his wedding. Having friends like Aaron makes life worthwhile, as they reflect on your own worth: like finds like, and in this case we've found each other for life. That is beyond price and worth crossing continents for, in my mind. 

Dec 28 - Respect at work? Too late.

While I was at work today, I received a call from another work DM I've worked with elsewhere in BC; apparently he heard through the grapevine in HR that I was leaving and wanted to talk to me - not talk me out of it, just talk. I was impressed that I'd made an impression on him and we jawed about various work issues for a good half-hour while I sat outside in my van, watching the rain soak the Island as it has all week. He mentioned quite a few things that I had suspected, that all was not sunshine in the company and that it was making 'incredible' people such as myself jump ship. I was friendly and tactful, as I respect this particular DM and kept things to topics that I could comment on without being bitter, just truthful. It was an insightful and illuminating conversation that I could have used five years ago, though it would not have made a difference to my paycheque or to the direction the company would still have taken. No, it was the level of respect for my abilities, skills and experience I think that I was thankful for the most, things that until this call I had never thought anyone in MMart would acknowledge in any more than the most shallowly briefest of mentions. It made me feel good, in that the decision to leave IS the right one, that I have rightly sensed the ship is sinking by the captain's own hand and it is time to set sail on my own. 

Dec 29 - 15 years ago, snow! 

There's been none of the white stuff( snow... )in Victoria so far this winter, which is part of the point of living here. I've only met a few locals who expressed a wish for a white Christmas; the rest seem quite content not to have to don boots and grab snow shovels every few days for months at a time. Yet every year is different; back in 1996, Victoria broke a ton of records for the most snowfall in 24 hours, even worse than when I was here in 2008. They called it a 'Whitemare' though I don't think it was as bad as the Blizzard of '77, which was called 'The White Death' - I remember it as a small child, being pulled on a sled along the center of our street. The snow was piled so high in continuous banks that I couldn't see even the tops of houses the entire trip to the corner store; we had a pile on our front lawn that was turned into a snow fort that was the last thing to melt anywhere around. That was cool.

Dec 30 - Hard-won wisdom 

Here's some hard-earned wisdom for you, that I thought I'd pass along at the end of this, one of the hardest years of my life. There's been many a difficult year, but none of them have put me under the physical and emotional stress that this one has, at almost continuous levels. 

Which is where the wisdom comes in: experience. If you are presented with a problem and deal with it, you learn for the next time. If it's an emotional stress, then you'll have that in your toolkit when dealing with similar situations, be they of the heart or of the mind( especially love ). 

That's it - simple. If you haven't had to deal with a situation before, you'll survive it( believe you will )and the next time you'll go into it knowing you've licked it before. Nobody likes dealing with the unknown, but it gets easier with time... and experience.

Dec 31 - Novel New Year's Eve 

The last day of the year should always be a time of reflection, as well as of celebration. Nowadays it's more of the former than the latter, and tonight was no exception; after work, I stayed in... not having any invites to go out also contributed to that decision, too. I used the time to relax and to polish off the novel outline I'd been working on for the last three months, which didn't amount to much new work, just a lot of tidying. Most of it had been percolating in my pickled brain since the end of August( and before )so most of my evening was a relaxed re-working of some solid ideas into a whole. Which turned out to be something I was quite happy with, re-reading - there's room for depth, action, character development and a happy half-dozen other things that all combine into good novel material. I dislike being constrained in my material, and with this outline I think I can really stretch my writing skills to bring the reader along for a close ride with my creations. 

Old Year shuffles past,

Patting New Year on the head.

"You'll do just fine, kid." 

I watched the ball drop in Niagara Falls on live TV, too. And I listened to Zooey Deschanel sing a lovely duet about New Year's Eve, have a listen: 

Jan 1 - New Beginnings And Tattoos

The first day of a new year; 2012 should see MANY positive changes in my life, most of them by MY choice, for a change. A month from now I will be happily( if a little nervously )unemployed, freeing up my time to pursue my writing ambitions. I'll also be looking for a new job, which will coincide with a true career search - more and more, customer service seems to be unappealing, as I want to leverage my skills along WITH my creativity and so try to avoid trading one stressful job for another. I'll also be working on my social life, checking out local groups to join and places to meet people, whom I'll be showing a much truer vision of myself to than the sad, exhausted, angry, emotional zombie I've been for the last few years. Happiness is change! 

At noon I saw The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo with a friend; we both agreed it was an unhappy tale with a LOT of hard-to-watch scenes, that also spoke about the possibility of redemption in a harsh world. The film was quite dark visually and story-wise, I have to say; I didn't read the books, and I still may not for a while. Definitely NOT a date movie! That didn't stop me from enjoying the rest of the evening in NWN; part of my day earlier was spent watching back-to-back episodes of Avatar: The Last Airbender, which is a well-written cartoon series that encompasses the changes happening in an interesting world where the four elements define each of the nations involved in a developing struggle for power. The series is MUCH better than the 2010 movie( utter crap )so if you want to watch a quality story develop with interesting characters, have a go.

A positive new year begins - watch this space for good news in 2012!!!! 

Hobbits, Home and Happiness

The word of the week is hobbit !!!

Dec 19 - Lonely Guy On The Trolley

I took the Langford Trolley home from work today, of which both things were unremarkable. But while I was on the trolley, I overheard a conversation between two guys that was rather telling of the season: it was about loneliness. Seems the one guy was alone, more so than I've heard in a long time. Both his parents were dead, he had no siblings and no close family members this side of the Rocky Mountains. He was divorced, so the large family on his ex-wife's side was no longer a welcoming place for him. All he has are his friends, one of whom was with him on the trolley tonight.

Thinking about it, I was again stuck by how lucky I am, to have my parents with me here in BC and to have a loving sister to talk to when we can. I've been blessed with a massive extended family on my dad's side, who growing up really showed me how close all one's loving aunts, uncles and cousins can be. Being where I am now in BC, I am away from almost all of my good friends, which this time of year really pulls at my heart - I don't have any parties to attend this year, same as last year. This is the time of year to spend with friends and family, so I'll take my family and think about the friends I have that I'll see again perhaps in the new year... as well as some new friends I hope I'll make when I get some more free time after leaving MMart soon.

Dec 20 - The Hobbit Movie Trailer!

Ohboyohboyohboyohboy!!!! *ahem* I rarely get excited about things, so when I say this is THE most excited I've been since my eighth birthday, you know I'm talking something special: The Hobbit trailer was released today!

As most of you know, I love fantasy and especially J.R.R. Tolkien - while I can't recite whole sections of the book from memory as some can, his works have stayed with me since the day I read them as a child. Especially The Hobbit; that book influenced me more than any other I've read before or since. So today's trailer was an appetizer to the fantasy feast that will be released in December 2012, which I can barely wait for - I've literally waited my whole life for this film to be realized, over thirty years. Huzzah!! Enjoy!

Dec 21 - Lost and Found!

Ah, irony: it crops up so unexpectedly. Recall how I spoke recently of replacing my 'old' cell phone? The one that I've never lost these last 4 years? Well, I lost it last night - the belt clip failed me and I searched for it at home, work, in the car and all points between; nada. My parents and a co-worker checked the parking lot at work later on last night just in case, but again no luck. After suspending the phone, I went to bed thinking that I would have to get a new phone a lot earlier than I had planned.


But in the morning, I got a phone call: the phone was found! Apparently it had slipped my belt on the outside stairs up from the parking garage, a route I normally do not take save to mail work letters on my way home( there's a mailbox at the top of the stairs ). I'd not thought to look there for it, having forgotten I'd come that way instead of my normal route. A guy in the Bear Mountain office found it on HIS way to work, and called me soonest. I went down there ASAP and thanked him quite honestly, but he was busy and really just wanted me out of his office - I was definitely the happier of the two of us and again thankful for the kindness of strangers in this part of the world!

Dec 22 - Errol Flynn, Writer??

Talk about something I'd never have guessed: today I found out that Errol Flynn, superstar of the early Hollywood, was a frustrated writer? Who could have guessed? Apparently this was something that was with him for his whole career as a film actor, which makes me wonder about choices. Here we had someone who was at the top of his game: rich, famous and able to do almost whatever he wanted while adored by millions. Yet for all that, he still yearned to write, to be taken seriously in that capacity despite his other obvious gifts that had led him to fame and fortune. I find that fascinating, that someone who had attained such heights would still aspire for something else totally unrelated... and in so doing be inspiring in a way unlike the rest of what his work and life might have shown others was possible. Thanks, Errol!

Dec 23 - Work and Games

Today I felt like I was in some sort of retail video-game; for 5.5 hours straight I ran around like crazy serving customers and taking phone calls - alone. By the time help arrived and I backed carefully away from the counter, I had served one person every 3.5 minutes with no break; ouch. Then I went to close the OTHER store, as( you guessed it )we're short-staffed. At least all I had to do there was be busy to a lesser degree; an exhausting 12.5 hours.

Which brings us to the Year In Games 2011 trailer from X-Play! An extremely well-done summary of the best of this year in video games, I love it! Watch:



Dec 24 - Good Eve!

Good things come in threes, sometimes. Today is Christmas Eve, I'm off work and I don't have a lick of shopping left to do - I didn't do ANY this year and it felt great to avoid the whole mess of consumerism and stress( I have enough already ). But it got me to wondering, as I sometimes do, about how Christmas Eve might be different if this were a different world, or time; there's a lot of stories and movies out there about just this subject, but I'll let you, dear reader, discover those on your own. For tonight, I'll leave you with a little gem just discovered today, shared by Patricia Tallman, star of TV and films such as Night Of The Living Dead... so perfect for the holidays, when everyone's dead tired!

Dec 25 - Merry SpongeBob!

As I've mentioned, there were no presents this year in my family; the best one we could POSSIBLY have gotten was the news months ago that my mom would live instead of succumbing to the then-unknown deadly danger of blood clots. So this year( and in years to come )it's going to be a low-key family Christmas, just spending time with each other and enjoying the peacefulness. I did however, get an unexpected gift in the mail, one I'd not thought would arrive until January: the First 100 Episodes of Spongebob Squarepants arrived on Friday! It's one of the few shows where I can completely relax and get into to laugh, without overthinking or looking for layers - it's all right there on the screen, and I am grateful for that of late. I watched more than a few episodes on and off as the day progressed, laughing all the way. In fact, I spent a good part of the day just soaking in the Christmas spirit from the boob tube, trying to avoid the teeth-hurting shows and specials to focus more on the ones that really brought across people genuinely caring for each other and enjoying all that the season brings. It was a good day, with a lot of quiet time and a good amount of family time just spent relaxing.

Have to do it again next year, I think. :-)

Merry Christmas, everyone... and to all, a good night!

Tigers, Truth and (Christmas)Trees

The word of the week is unrequited...

Dec 12 - The Truth Is Out!!!

Yes, today was the day: I told my work I was leaving. Not a 2-Week Notice, but a heads-up that I won't be here by the end of January 2012, a month away. Some people have said this is more notice than they deserve( like a month's worth! )but it's meant to give them time to shuffle the deck and look for someone to step into my role - not to replace me, since that's impossible. There's no chance of reconciliation, of a better pay scale, of kissing and making up: I'm gone, cutting ties as gracefully as I can despite my primitive urge to let loose the Nasty Beast inside me that's suffered for so long. I'm better than that. 

But I didn't feel elated, in the end. After spending an hour with my DM at a Timmy's having a respectful talk, I felt like a solider stepping off the boat to find nobody waiting for him, just a long walk towards a home he's been so long away from that he doesn't quite remember the way. It's not relief, it's a level of numbness that will take a long while to heal with proper rest for the body and soul. That is also what I expected, just another step along the harder path, for which I started preparing myself for quite young - check out the pillow: 

Dec 13 - Stocking Up 

This week I've visited GoG.com and purchased a fair number of inexpensive older games for an average of $2.99 per game - amazing deals, those. Old games like the Baldur's Gate series, Starflight and Wing Commander III are all on my 'install later' list for 2012 now. I'm stocking up on games to keep me amused in the new year, though to be honest I'm a bit of a gamer dilettante: I play old game for amusement and nostalgia, not to finish them. There's something about leaving some parts of a game for 'next time' that means I'll never truly be finished with them that appeals to me. Finishing a game and never, ever playing it again makes me sad on some primal level, I think; that's why I almost never do it. 

Or I'm just lazy and easily distracted. Could be that too. 

Dec 14 - Mah Head Hurts, Pa ... 

As a day off, today was mostly a wash; I spent a good part of the day trying to rid myself of a bad headache, ALMOST a migraine but I caught it in time in the early AM. I'm lucky in that I can recognize the early signs now after having had them for most of my life; I credit it to too much intelligence crammed into an already oversized head. Or barometric pressure, which seems the more plausible answer if one sticks to the available data. It's no fun having headaches for no good reason, as it really bites into what you can do in a day; watching TV is out( too bright )as is listening to music. I can read sometimes, if the light isn't too close to the page, but in general a bad headache day means I just write it off and get what I can do in between naps and headache tablets. As I've said before, I've gone from one a week in ON to one every other month or so in BC, so that's a huge improvement. If I could go to one migraine every 6 months, I'd be ecstatic - though I wouldn't cheer too loudly about it, just in case. 

Dec 15 - A boy and his tiger

Some of you may not know the name Bill Watterson. If so, then you need to immediately stop reading this and pick up a copy, ANY copy, of a Calvin &  Hobbes comic, in whatever form you so choose. 

Millions of people loved( and still love )the quirky comic strip that Bill created, that told the travails of a little brat named Calvin and his tiger buddy Hobbes. It was over 15 years ago that Bill stopped writing Calvin &; Hobbes, to the despair of said millions, but in a very rare interview he's said he has no regrets stopping when he did, at the height of the comic's popularity. It's a testament to how beloved the strip was that so many people still treasure it, in many ways: 

Dec 16 - 30 Things 

Lists: there's a TON of lists out there on the internet, literally millions of things ordered about any topic under the sun. Most are somewhat trivial, but a good many are quite useful, like 30 Things To Stop Doing To Yourself. Once you get your mind out of the gutter regarding the title, this particular list makes a lot of sense; after reading it, I could personally identify with most of the things it talks about, especially regarding my own needs which I've put aside for so very, very long. Too long. 2012 is going to be my 'Year of Renewal' - on many levels. Personal, social, financial, workplace too - all of those and more will see shifts in the new year. Some slow, some fast, but all of them changing to orient themselves towards my own personal compass and not those of others - I want to see where the new direction takes me. 

Dec 17 - Happy Not-Shopping!!

It's a week until Christmas Eve and I'm feeling very mellow about the whole holiday buzz. Mainly because I've stepped aside from it this year, for various reasons - my family's gone low-key, to keep costs down and also because we really want to avoid buying things, instead of just spending time with each other. I'm so VERY happy NOT to have had to push through consumer-bound crowds at the malls or wait in long lines to purchase expensive proof of how much I care about people - I'm past that. The occasional gift each year to come will be ones bought with great forethought, or even better yet created by my own hands( meaning the less crafty, the better ). One thing we've learned as a family is that Stuff Accumulates and Sentiment is fleeting; that Amazing Gift you got ten years ago is now most likely broken, obsolete or lost in a box somewhere. But the memories remain, along with the pictures. Right? 

Dec 18 - Virtual Party Time!!

After a busy workday, I was looking forward to getting home and just relaxing, as tonight was a party, of sorts: some friends and I gathered in NWN to celebrate Christmas with each other. There were(virtual )gifts given and rounds of trivia played. Songs were sung and silliness was spread along with good cheer and friendly banter. There were similar gatherings in other online places in past years, but as always things change and people move on. Tonight, I spent a good few hours with friends I've made recently online and thought of those who no longer come round the virtual door any more. I hope they are doing well in their lives, and that they occasionally think about the friends they spent time with back then, as we are all wont to do. Remember the good times, and forget about the bad. Easier to do online, in some ways, though as I mentioned above: there will always be the pictures: 

Santa brought her a pony for Christmas! Yay!

Have a Very Merry Christmas next weekend, everyone!!! 

Feelings, Forgetting and Futurama

The word of the week is trepidation. 

Dec 5 - Phone me later? 

Inevitably, my love of technology draws me to peruse the latest offerings, despite my professed lack of a 'need' for such things. Such as smartphones; I've had the same phone now for 4 years and it's perfectly functional... just not exciting or terribly useful for things like texting or email. Or anything else. 

Whereas the HTC DesireHD( new in Nov. 2010 ) and the Mororola Droid Razr ( very new in Nov 2011 )are BOTH very exciting phones, if somewhat battery-hungry with moderate media use. Seeing as I own a tablet, I don't need a phone to carry ALL my media with me( Futurama episodes! )as I'd rather have a larger display. But for checking email, FBook status updates and general ease-of-use apps, a decent smartphone seems to be the way to go. Heck, I used my iPhone 3G for only a few things daily, as it was slow, pokey and prone to lockups; go figure. Getting a new phone WOULD mean going on another contract, so I'm saving that painful decision for the new year, when hopefully I will have found out if I have a new job. 

Or not. We shall see: new job, new phone? Kind of a synergy / incentive there. 

Dec 6 - Forget something, stupid? 

Sometimes I wonder about my sanity this past year; what can you really measure your sanity by? Incessant talking to yourself? Nope, not us. Hearing voices? Nope, just my bluetooth headset. Forgetting important things lately? Well... 

That could just be excessive stress. Or stupidity; take your pick. 

Today's shining example is my forgetting the birthday of a lifelong friend; yeah, THAT kind of stupidity. I usually set calendar reminders for dates like today - important dates you do NOT want to forget. Yet somehow it slipped past me and now I have to live with that Feeling Like An Ass feeling for a while. It's only the second time this has ever happened( the first was a family member in my early teens; never again! )so I'll just use it as another flog to keep my focus sharp until I can get out from the stress factor that's warping my brain. It's subtle, the things it does to you... and annoying, as I can lose my concentration despite my best efforts. "Oooh, shiny thing!" - like that. Still doesn't make it better. 

Next year? A wall-sized calendar. With lights. 

Dec 7 - Bye Bye, Bean 

The Mountain Bean has closed 'for the winter' as of last week... and I don't expect to see it back in the spring. The windows are all papered over and from the total lack of customers for the last few months, I doubt anyone will return if they open again. They're an excellent example of having no real business plan, ignoring what their customers liked( and wanted! )and simply doing what the owners wanted, irregardless of the realities of their location. Which sucks, as I DID enjoy going there to sit in front of their HUGE fireplace during the cold months, reading and writing and generally relaxing. Everyone NEEDS a place to go that is not home OR work, and for almost a year the Mountain Bean was that place for me. Things have changed, but not so much that I'll miss the memory of what it was, now that it is gone. 

Which makes the news that Tim Horton's is going upscale all the more timely. There's no Timmy's within easy walking / cycling distance of where I am here on Bear Mountain, but change is coming all the same soon. As I've already observed with McDonalds, the larger fast food chains are waking up to the fact that people WILL spend more if they can STAY a little longer, in a little nicer surroundings. As for me, I try to avoid the local Starbucks, they are all three rather small and out of the way - maybe when I move in the spring it will be closer to a nice cafe somewhere that I can get out to more often? Hmm. Idea:

The Three Starbucks!!

Dec 8 - DC Universe MMO ? 

I'm hoping that I'll have a decent experience trying out DC Universe Online, which just went free-to-play this month. I like the character options and the huge open world, filled with heroes and villains and eye candy. I've not played an MMO at all, since I have an aversion to paying a monthly fee and a bigger aversion to dealing with the crowds of morons said massive-user online games bring with them. It's hard to get into the 'fantasy' of being a character in another reality when the people around you won't stop dragging their own boring reality along with them. Time and again. It's like people who insist on talking on their phones during movies, bringing the rest of the audience out of the place the movie's creators want to take you to - rude, inconsiderate and downright annoying. Which is why I've stuck with NWN all these years: the morons are quickly identified and shown the door before they wreck the place too much. 

Dec 9 - Futurama, Fifth Season! 

It's back! A little old news: Futurama has returned for a fifth season... earlier this year. THIS month I finally found said season on sale on Amazon for a reasonable price, so I caved in and it arrived today; huzzah! I love this show for its irreverent take on life, the universe and everything( miss you, Douglas Adams... )which is evident in many of the episodes. Like The Simpsons, Futurama loves to make social commentary without being too obvious or political( like South Park, which overdoes it quite often to be 'funny' ... ). A great example of this is below, enjoy: 

Dec 10 - Lovely 

As some of you may have noticed, the subject of love has been on my mind a lot of late - no additional stress there, surely. No, I've thought a lot about what it means to BE in love: what are the signs, and how does a crush, or infatuation, differ from the deeper signs that you have fallen for someone? 

And what to do about it also comes up. I've been subject to some unwanted attention over the years - not a lot, mind you, just from a few people I definitely did NOT want to be with, for various reasons. It was a hard thing to let them down gently( and firmly )as I'm not a brusque person. But I also did not want to lead them on; definite disinterest was expressed fairly quickly. 

So when it comes to my own situation, in gauging if someone IS interested in me that I DO like, well... it's still not clear to me. As I've said before, I'm going to push as much as I can for a clear answer and move on from there. 

Wherever that takes me. Or, if I am lucky: us. 

Dec 11 - Rest, needed

Sundays seem to be a catch-up day for me, where I try to finally get around to the things I couldn't get to during the week. Or the week before. Or before that - you get the idea. Cleaning, papers in piles to be sorted, getting some of the grime off the car; all of these are the mundane things that should be done daily( -ish )but that I don't have the energy, or the desire, to do daily. Partly it's the energy thing( I need more exercise )but partly it's just the total lack of desire; I try to relax when I can and not fall asleep for too long before my real bedtime, as that just throws me off. Today at least was a good mix of accomplished tasks( albeit minor ones )and some solid relaxing time; the extended Blu-Ray edition of The Two Towers looked and sounded great! And an evening of NWN is always welcome for the excellent diversion it offers, as well as the chance to explore some facets of character; always a plus for a writer. And I squeaked in some poetry there too, which was a plus. A good day off, especially as I've worked 

Tomorrow( Monday )will be when I inform my DM I am leaving in January, and not returning. I will do all that I can to make it a pleasant, fact-based conversation, as I do not hold much against him in particular, just the company. I just intend to inform him that I will be happier not working for MMart in any capacity very shortly, and if he wants to get into the nitty-gritty, I have a list prepared - it's a done deal, as far as I'm concerned; all I have to do is inform him and from there he has to deal with the ramifications therin. 

Always fun, Mondays...