Feelings, Forgetting and Futurama

The word of the week is trepidation. 

Dec 5 - Phone me later? 

Inevitably, my love of technology draws me to peruse the latest offerings, despite my professed lack of a 'need' for such things. Such as smartphones; I've had the same phone now for 4 years and it's perfectly functional... just not exciting or terribly useful for things like texting or email. Or anything else. 

Whereas the HTC DesireHD( new in Nov. 2010 ) and the Mororola Droid Razr ( very new in Nov 2011 )are BOTH very exciting phones, if somewhat battery-hungry with moderate media use. Seeing as I own a tablet, I don't need a phone to carry ALL my media with me( Futurama episodes! )as I'd rather have a larger display. But for checking email, FBook status updates and general ease-of-use apps, a decent smartphone seems to be the way to go. Heck, I used my iPhone 3G for only a few things daily, as it was slow, pokey and prone to lockups; go figure. Getting a new phone WOULD mean going on another contract, so I'm saving that painful decision for the new year, when hopefully I will have found out if I have a new job. 

Or not. We shall see: new job, new phone? Kind of a synergy / incentive there. 

Dec 6 - Forget something, stupid? 

Sometimes I wonder about my sanity this past year; what can you really measure your sanity by? Incessant talking to yourself? Nope, not us. Hearing voices? Nope, just my bluetooth headset. Forgetting important things lately? Well... 

That could just be excessive stress. Or stupidity; take your pick. 

Today's shining example is my forgetting the birthday of a lifelong friend; yeah, THAT kind of stupidity. I usually set calendar reminders for dates like today - important dates you do NOT want to forget. Yet somehow it slipped past me and now I have to live with that Feeling Like An Ass feeling for a while. It's only the second time this has ever happened( the first was a family member in my early teens; never again! )so I'll just use it as another flog to keep my focus sharp until I can get out from the stress factor that's warping my brain. It's subtle, the things it does to you... and annoying, as I can lose my concentration despite my best efforts. "Oooh, shiny thing!" - like that. Still doesn't make it better. 

Next year? A wall-sized calendar. With lights. 

Dec 7 - Bye Bye, Bean 

The Mountain Bean has closed 'for the winter' as of last week... and I don't expect to see it back in the spring. The windows are all papered over and from the total lack of customers for the last few months, I doubt anyone will return if they open again. They're an excellent example of having no real business plan, ignoring what their customers liked( and wanted! )and simply doing what the owners wanted, irregardless of the realities of their location. Which sucks, as I DID enjoy going there to sit in front of their HUGE fireplace during the cold months, reading and writing and generally relaxing. Everyone NEEDS a place to go that is not home OR work, and for almost a year the Mountain Bean was that place for me. Things have changed, but not so much that I'll miss the memory of what it was, now that it is gone. 

Which makes the news that Tim Horton's is going upscale all the more timely. There's no Timmy's within easy walking / cycling distance of where I am here on Bear Mountain, but change is coming all the same soon. As I've already observed with McDonalds, the larger fast food chains are waking up to the fact that people WILL spend more if they can STAY a little longer, in a little nicer surroundings. As for me, I try to avoid the local Starbucks, they are all three rather small and out of the way - maybe when I move in the spring it will be closer to a nice cafe somewhere that I can get out to more often? Hmm. Idea:

The Three Starbucks!!

Dec 8 - DC Universe MMO ? 

I'm hoping that I'll have a decent experience trying out DC Universe Online, which just went free-to-play this month. I like the character options and the huge open world, filled with heroes and villains and eye candy. I've not played an MMO at all, since I have an aversion to paying a monthly fee and a bigger aversion to dealing with the crowds of morons said massive-user online games bring with them. It's hard to get into the 'fantasy' of being a character in another reality when the people around you won't stop dragging their own boring reality along with them. Time and again. It's like people who insist on talking on their phones during movies, bringing the rest of the audience out of the place the movie's creators want to take you to - rude, inconsiderate and downright annoying. Which is why I've stuck with NWN all these years: the morons are quickly identified and shown the door before they wreck the place too much. 

Dec 9 - Futurama, Fifth Season! 

It's back! A little old news: Futurama has returned for a fifth season... earlier this year. THIS month I finally found said season on sale on Amazon for a reasonable price, so I caved in and it arrived today; huzzah! I love this show for its irreverent take on life, the universe and everything( miss you, Douglas Adams... )which is evident in many of the episodes. Like The Simpsons, Futurama loves to make social commentary without being too obvious or political( like South Park, which overdoes it quite often to be 'funny' ... ). A great example of this is below, enjoy: 

Dec 10 - Lovely 

As some of you may have noticed, the subject of love has been on my mind a lot of late - no additional stress there, surely. No, I've thought a lot about what it means to BE in love: what are the signs, and how does a crush, or infatuation, differ from the deeper signs that you have fallen for someone? 

And what to do about it also comes up. I've been subject to some unwanted attention over the years - not a lot, mind you, just from a few people I definitely did NOT want to be with, for various reasons. It was a hard thing to let them down gently( and firmly )as I'm not a brusque person. But I also did not want to lead them on; definite disinterest was expressed fairly quickly. 

So when it comes to my own situation, in gauging if someone IS interested in me that I DO like, well... it's still not clear to me. As I've said before, I'm going to push as much as I can for a clear answer and move on from there. 

Wherever that takes me. Or, if I am lucky: us. 

Dec 11 - Rest, needed

Sundays seem to be a catch-up day for me, where I try to finally get around to the things I couldn't get to during the week. Or the week before. Or before that - you get the idea. Cleaning, papers in piles to be sorted, getting some of the grime off the car; all of these are the mundane things that should be done daily( -ish )but that I don't have the energy, or the desire, to do daily. Partly it's the energy thing( I need more exercise )but partly it's just the total lack of desire; I try to relax when I can and not fall asleep for too long before my real bedtime, as that just throws me off. Today at least was a good mix of accomplished tasks( albeit minor ones )and some solid relaxing time; the extended Blu-Ray edition of The Two Towers looked and sounded great! And an evening of NWN is always welcome for the excellent diversion it offers, as well as the chance to explore some facets of character; always a plus for a writer. And I squeaked in some poetry there too, which was a plus. A good day off, especially as I've worked 

Tomorrow( Monday )will be when I inform my DM I am leaving in January, and not returning. I will do all that I can to make it a pleasant, fact-based conversation, as I do not hold much against him in particular, just the company. I just intend to inform him that I will be happier not working for MMart in any capacity very shortly, and if he wants to get into the nitty-gritty, I have a list prepared - it's a done deal, as far as I'm concerned; all I have to do is inform him and from there he has to deal with the ramifications therin. 

Always fun, Mondays... 

Pressure, Passing and Peons

The word of the week is euphemism. Accept no substitutes. 

Nov 28 - Karma, again??? 

At last: I handed over my second branch to another manager today. It went smoothly and I felt a sense of relief for no longer being responsible for two busy main branches in the region. Just one, and the best of the bunch really. 

Edit: That feeling lasted just until the next day, when I was told the new manager had injured her hand and was going to be off for two weeks, at the least. 

This is what my life seems to be: moments of balance between chaos and craziness. When I close one door, two windows and a skylight open to dump things on me. Which is strange, since I ALWAYS try to see the positive in things and not get upset when this happens, as it does on a regular basis. 

What I can say is that this is definitely leading me to be cautious, TOO cautious, about really enjoying things. My experience these last twenty years has been that the enjoyment will quickly end, and never by MY own choice. 

I hate that realization; I WANT to enjoy things, to smile and laugh and not have something waiting around EVERY corner to trip me and steal my smile. Which means I have to walk that balance all the harder, to keep from falling. 

Nov 29 - Bright Lights passing 

Two distinctly bright cultural lights passed this month that I want to mention here, for their definite and different influences on me. The passing of my uncle earlier this month as well reminds me that we are all here too briefly. 

Ann McCaffrey was the author of the Pern series of books whose world is of far-off colonists whose world is shared with dragons. I admired the strong female protagonists that filled all of Anne's stories, whose influence has helped me develop my own distinct characters of the opposite sex that are a far cry from cardboard cutouts I have seen in too many stories. Anne's works taught me that there is equality in all things, that strengths and weaknesses are common to both sexes in all measures. Lovely works. 

John Neville was an actor of the stage and screen, whose presence and distinctive voice indelibly stick in your mind. His role as the titular Baron in Terry Gilliam's The Adventures of Baron Munchausen from 1988 still brings me delight when I watch the film; I never tire of it. He was in many other films, another of which was The Fifth Element( again a fave of mine )with a small role. Also being tall, elegant and Very English helped his career along rather well, wouldn't you say? 

Nov 30 - End of the world, eh? 

Only a year and a few weeks to go before the world is supposed to end on Dec 21, 2012. THAT should be an interesting holiday shopping season, eh? 

NASA has put up a page on 2012, specifically to address concerns about the likelihood of any particular disaster happening, like an asteroid strike. It's a tickle to see how they relate it to Y2K back in 2000, when the world was supposed to end when everything computerized crashed due to the date errors caused by having only 2 digits for the year, instead of 4. As we're all still here, it was quite a bust - it's not QUITE that simple, but it's a good start to debunking End Of The World hysteria. 

Or, we could have a future world where only robots survive: 

Looks pretty sweet, even for an on-rails shooter. Love the apocalypse art style!

Dec 1 - Waiting Game

I've sent off a half-dozen promising job applications in the last month, to places I'd be pleased to work at. So far, a few of them have got back to me with the standard 'We have received your application' message, but that's it. 

Now I wait and hope for the callback that means I can give my notice sooner than I anticipated. Right now there is NO replacement for me in the wings, so I hope the timing is such for a new job that I can give more than the standard two weeks notice to allow my DM time to find and train someone. Who will be a decent manager in my stead, but I know can never be a replacement - I'm very good at what I do, but it's not what the company wants. If it's not revenue, then it's WAY down on the priority list. So things like supporting co-workers when nobody else answers their phone, keeping the lights working, computers running, supplies stocked and answering the thousand questions that only experience can answer properly mean little. 

Stupid, right? But that's a corporation for you. Revenue is king; let the peons starve. 

Dec 2 - The Night Eye 

Tonight is what today's entry is about: specifically, the moon. 

Spectacular; the air was cold and clear and crisp. The quarter moon hung in the sky like a lidded eye, looking down upon a still, quiet Victoria all around. 

Which inspired me to write a small haiku, which flew from my fingers: 

The moon winked at me, 

"I have a secret," it said. 

"The sun shall rise soon." 

Now, I should say that ALL my haikus have layers of meaning and context, despite being simple word-forms. In this case, I was commenting on what I had seen tonight: the beauty and the simplicity of the moon. 

I was also commenting on the broader scope of my life, on the hope for positive change in the near future for me. Night turning to day, if you will. 

Also, the yin-yang of the sun and the moon, as represented by the picture above, speaks towards my desire to find someone special. Perhaps an opposite, perhaps not... but someone warm, to end my long night of years. 

And a lot of other things... but that's for you to discover when reading the words. They might fit your life too, make you smile, or just sink in for later. 

Dec 3 - I'm not the jealous type ... 

There are few things in this world that I am jealous of, money not being one of them. As those of you who have read some of my blog know, I don't look at others and see things I could have had... but see reflections of what I do have. Love, however, is one of the few things that I am still searching for and that I see so many others having, yet I do not. I'll not go into the many levels of that thought here, suffice to say that I still think it will happen... but I hope it won't be on a cruise ship when I'm in my seventies. That's too far, I think. 

So in the meantime, I'll add in a little of what a relationship should embody: scratching one's back. It's hard to do yourself, unless you happen to have a backscratcher. I really enjoyed a good back scratch when I was younger, but as I got older it sort of fell by the wayside... until recently, when I found in passing a simple bamboo backscratcher. It's funny, but I never realized the lack until I brought the thing home; it really does a great job. Yet I know it's a poor substitute for the touch of another... but I can't buy that, at any price. 

Dec 4 - Under pressure... from Nature?

The weather here for the last few days has been rather stagnant, with a high-pressure system sitting over Vancouver Island going nowhere. This hasn't been so bad as it's brought a fair bit iof sunshine, but the air pressure has been causing me headaches. It's like wearing tight hats all day long; eventually your brain starts to hurt and for me I can almost hear it rattle when I shake my head. Which also hurts.

I should say that it's nowhere NEAR as bad as when I was in ON, where the barometric pressure would swing wildly from day to day causing me major migraines with active weather systems. No, here in BC it's a gradual thing, which I can control with the occasional headache tablet. If you can imagine wearing a too-tight hat all day long, you might appreciate how I feel when that combines with stress, a busy day at work, and so forth. I can't say that I'll be glad to see some rain around here, but at least I know that the pressure will lessen when the skies do open up. After a long day working today, I'll be glad to rest on my day off tomorrow - I hope. 

Job news this week, I hope - I'm itching to give my notice, and by the middle of December I may just do so, albeit at the minimum two weeks in advance. I'd do it now, but if I give five weeks notice and THEN I get a job offer, I may be stuck explaining why I can't start until sometime in January. Ah, pressure... 

Power, Pictures and Plans

The word of the week is recognition. 

Nov 21 - Plans formulating... 

Escape is at hand. I have a plan to leave my job ASAP and I am working on the details right now. As I don't YET have a new job lined up, I have to plan for the possibility that it may be months until I find a decent one, even a job that will tide me over until I find something MUCH better. 

But the wheels are in motion; I've scaled back everything that I am doing at work to 'not really caring' mode, where the necessities are done but things that pertain to revenue, performance or 'DM wants it done' can kiss my ass. 

I'm finished with that place; from several conversations with friends of friends, I should be expecting a LOT more pay for a LOT less stress as a manager with my experience. So I have a LOT to look forward to wherever I go, not the least of which being respect for my skills and my efforts. 

Not too much to ask, is it? 

Nov 22 - Picture In Picture returns! 

The new TV's been excellent, nice and big and bright; combined with the sound bar it's been a great experience. There is some minor clouding that can be seen when the picture changes to a dark screen, but since I had it calibrated last week, it's hardly noticeable any more - the colours are perfect and true. 

One feature I love is the Picture in Picture - FINALLY I have a TV again that has this function I've missed so much! I multitask a lot, so having a small( or large )picture of a TV show or DVD I like running while I write, surf or do other things is just amazing... I don't know why more TV's don't include this feature, as it's not terribly expensive to add compared to things like 3D or other 'premium' TV features. Love it! 

Nov 23 - Power on! 

Aha! At last, a TV series that hasn't been available on DVD for decades is finally coming out AND in high-quality Blu-Ray to boot! The terribly-named Captain Power and the Soldiers Of the Future was a sci-fi live-action kid's show set in a post-apocalyptic future where machines ruled the world... see why I liked it? I later found out that the show was written by J. Michael Straczynski, who would end up writing and producing my all-time fave show Babylon 5... but I liked this show a lot even before I found out who JMS was! 

Nov 24 - Nature Abhors a Vacuum

I have too many paper books, but I can't bring myself to get rid of too many of them. Many are out of print and others are favourites that have been with me for many years, some of them all my life. With eBooks however, the problem of lack of storage space evaporates; I've got a few dozen eBooks on my ASUS tablet and that takes up hardly any space at all! 

One of the eBooks I've really enjoyed( and yet to finish )is Nature Abhors a Vacuum, written by first-time author Stephen L. Nowland. It's a great read, with memorable characters, interesting settings and a decent plot. I like it as well because it ties into the NWN game, which the author mentions he's played for years and helped shape the book. There are numerous parallels between his situation and my own, so I've really been reading on several levels to see how he managed to pull off such a great book right out of the gate. Taking notes, seeing the mistakes and learning is all part of the fun! 

Nov 25 - Corporations ARE evil... 

It's been over 3 weeks since my visit to the ER for chest pains and they have yet to return, so I think I'm in the clear. According to the doctor, they were likely triggered by stress and anxiety, which I've had in spades for a long, long time and intensely for the last few months. Only a handful of people have asked how I've been feeling lately, which again continues to irk me, but that's human nature at work: if you're still breathing, people will ignore you. 

Fortunately, the intense stress is winding down now that I've handed off one branch earlier in the month and I'll be passing off the second one Monday. That leaves me with one branch to run... which I won't be doing much longer if I have anything to say about it. The company's asinine policies and desire to work their employees to death for as little pay possible mean that I have no desire to work for them ever again, for any level of pay, in any capacity. 

Reading up on resignation letters has been educational; some of the comments about workplace horrors made my hair stand up, to hear what people were 'expected' to do as part of their jobs... AND THAT THE COMPANY POLICIES ENFORCED. People doing the work of three employees and the company EXPECTED them to fail and burn out within a year? Insane... read some of the comments here and educate yourself on corporate evil - THIS ONE really says it all about why to quit before you go nuts. 

Nov 26 - Family 

I have to say something here about family support, as it's critical to my frame of mind for the last decade or so. My dad's not been working much in the last month or so, given that he's had to be available to get my mom to the hospital and be with her while she's there; also, work's been slow for the airporter he drives and loves so much. Yet both my parents have been 100% behind my leaving MMart ASAP, even moreso these last few months as they've seen how drained of energy and stressed out I've been. They're willing to support me for as long as it takes to get me on my feet again, as I've supported them for years now to ensure they make it to their retirement alive and properly set up financially. As a family, we've always been there for each other, my sister as well - it's this kind of unconditional mutual support, on many levels, that has kept me going when I thought I would fail. 

I don't like failing, but I learn from my mistakes and never repeat them. Ever.

Nothing wrong with that; it lets you look to the future and not dwell long on the errors of the past. Right now, my family's there to help me towards my future, even as I let go of the need to support them - that's in the past now. 

Nov 27 - Early Not-A-Day-Off-After-All

I woke at 6am today, with my thoughts whirling; I had to finally put a lot of them onto paper, all about why I was going to leave work. It took an hour, but I had several pages of points to wave at my DM when I figure out the exact time to tell him. Probably this week, as soon as I work out how to leave properly - all part of my plan to not screw myself over much when I go. 

We'll skip how I worked AGAIN on my day off today, save that it was to cover a CSR who went to the hospital last night; she's stellar, so I went in today and got nothing done as it was stupidly busy the entire time. The usual. 

When I was home late in the evening, I watched The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe on TV. I absolutely loved CS Lewis' classics from this series as a child, as it spurred my imagination and really got me into the fantasy genre. Seeing this excellent film adaptation brought back memories of my childhood, when I devoured books like CS Lewis' works and begged for more; my imagination got quite a workout and has stayed active to this day. Despite the stress and mental overload, there's still a BIG corner of my brain where all the creatures of my childhood wait to visit in my dreams, to carry me places I've never been on adventures I've yet to have. They wait patiently and with love, for the time when reality can take a rest and my mind can wander with them again.


Soon.

Thanks to J for his very timely call and good advice this week; again I realize how blessed I am to have friends who care enough to call when they see I'm down and need a little lift. You have to pay attention and look outside your own box once in a while to see if other people need a little light added in... 

Losing, Leaving and Love

The word of the week is reciprocation. 

Nov 14 - On Haiku 

For a good part of this year, I've been putting up haikus on my FBook page on Mondays. Since this is the first day of the week, I try to start it with something that will encompass my feelings, good or otherwise, for the week. 

Haiku are hard work; 

They are either hit or miss, 

Working within rules. 

... and so forth. I have taken a few haiku books out of the library and been randomly impressed with some of the work, but not with the majority. There are surprisingly few good non-scholarly haiku references online; Toyomasu.com has the most accessible. Since I like the short story format, it helps for me to think of haiku as the shortest stories one can tell. If you do it right, what you are trying to convey leaps out of the words and goes beyond the confines of the 5-7-5 format. 

As should a good story transport the reader beyond the page before them. 

Nov 15 - On Later Genius 

For most of my life, ever since I can remember, I've been told that I'm a very smart guy. Not wise, not brilliant at one thing or a prodigy... but smart. I remember the day that I was tested way back in grade 1, when I was putting together block patterns and answering questions that the tester gave me - yes, I liked the challenge that much to recall it all these decades later. 

However, does being told you're a genius does little else but stress future success? How soon should that success be? What form will it take? And how about if it comes later in life? 

What if it doesn't? 

These questions have plagued me all my life, whispering to me in the dark hours and the days when my failures seem numerous and successes few. Yet I've had to develop my own measure of my success: personal, professional and on other levels. I've overcome a fair number of challenges, remained true to myself and put the needs of others before my own many times, first off. So my success and my genius may not be as well-connected as I might have hoped, all those years ago when I was barreling towards puberty and wondering how big the spaceships I was designing would be when they were built in a few more years... but such is the delight of youth: you can see the future more broadly, and it shines far more brightly. 

Nov 16 - On Losing Interest 

Of late, I've been losing interest in a lot of things and concentrating on mere survival, mentally. I haven't sat down to read a book in almost 6 months, played more than a handful of the dozens of video games I own, or been able to do more at the end of the day than watch some TV before I'm too tired. 

It's disheartening, as I want to do these things, but I lose interest. 

Because there's so much else on my mind, a lot of it work-related, that I can't divest myself enough from work to really switch gears mentally and take a total break. My few weeks in August were amazing just for that, but I went from bliss to bedlam in the space of a few weeks in September and before that it was much of the same. 

I want to pull a book from my shelf and read big chunks of it in a week. I want to enjoy a game for what it offers and not as a distraction. I want to feel like my life is waiting for me when I'm done work, and not the other way around. As it has been for years now, yet I don't have anything you could call a 'career' to put on my resume` ... just a day job that's mostly sucked. 

I'm not exploring this line of thought any further until Jan 2012. If then. 

Nov 17 - How Many Facebook Friends?

It's been mentioned before in my blog, but again a few people have unfriended me this month. Silently and without notice, several people have quietly removed themselves from my life. You can have a LOT of FBook friends, or a few; there's a good article from a few years ago that talks about friending on FBook. There was a GREAT quote I saw online in FBook that someone shared a few weeks ago... but darned if I can recall it now. I'll paraphrase it a bit, as it stuck in my mind at the time: 

Some friends come into your life and make it better for staying. 

Some friends come into your life and make it better for leaving. 

So thank-you to those who have stayed with me, 

And thanks to those who have left me, for the better of us both. 

That about sums it up, really. I'm happy and blessed to have so MANY good friends in my life and thankful that those who did not make my life better have moved on to other places and other people... leaving me with my memories and lessons learned. Can't ask for more than that, can you? 

Nov 18 - On Good Impressions 

As of today, I still haven't heard back from several job applications, but I'm hoping that I will by the end of next week. 

If not, I still have a plan for leaving MMart in January, prepared or not. This will give me the break I need to recover my mental balance and continue to look elsewhere for a job to sustain myself for the time being, if not a new career that is more in tune with what makes me happy. That being said, my family is fully supportive of my simply LEAVING MMart ASAP, even if I don't have a job by that point - they feel my mental and physical heath have both suffered for FAR too long and anything they can do to help me recover is OK. 

I'm looking forward to some in-person interviews, where I can show off myself to potential employers. It's quite true that you never get a second chance to make a good first impression, something I've observed a fair number of times in my life, especially as an employer looking over candidates.

Nov 19 - On Beaker 

It's been a fairly normal week, all told - no emergency visits to the hospital, no chest pains, no insane events at work, no double-shifts( well, Monday, but that was expected )so I was waiting for the other shoe to drop today. It did, but I handled it rather well: a BIG error by a CSR yesterday could have resulted in a massive mess for the weekend, but as it turns out it didn't have much impact and the solution I came up with on the spot worked. Yay me! 

Which just goes to show you the place is going to fall apart when I leave in January; my experience and training will walk out the door and not return. 

Stupid, but there you have another reason why businesses fail: they get so lost in standards and policies that they drive their staff out the door in droves, seeking any other employment rather than be scrutinized like lab rats daily. 

Hmmm... I wonder if being a lab rat pays a good wage? Have to check that. Or maybe I could ask Beaker... 

Nov 20 - Personal Thoughts, Blogged On

It's been an interesting thing for me, pondering relationships today. We all have our family, most have friends, and too few people have solid partners that they can depend on more than anyone else in the world. I won't get into whether this is what everyone should have, but most of us do search for someone who can be the rock in the storm and to love us for who we are. 

Myself, I've never had that; nobody outside my family has ever looked me in the eye and told me they loved me for who I am. Which is disappointing( to say the least )given that I believe very strongly that I am worthy of such love. Yet not to find anything after twenty years of searching, is a bit hard to take. Still, as I've recently told a friend: Don't close the window because of a few cold breezes. In my own case, I've been trying to sit down with the lady I have strong feelings towards for a month now, with little success. I won't beg, but at this point I'm wondering about her levels of interest in me - I can't make her be interested in me if she isn't, but I'm trying hard to find out. At some point I'll just have to come out and tell her how I feel, regardless of the setting... which will likely work against me, but it's coming to that point fast. Things are going to change for me in the new year, and I want to have got past this with her by then. It's driving me to distraction some days, really.

That's all for now. We'll see what happens when I take the chance soon.

It's been a long week, but not as crazy-making as I thought it would be; more of a work grind, but that's nothing unusual. Apologies to all those of you reading the last few weeks; I've not had a lot of exciting or happy things to blog about. Just small victories in a long war to leave work. 

Fantasy, Fraggles and Freaking Out

The word of the week is cumulative. 

Nov 7 - Fantastic Fraggles

When times are bad and things are rough, we usually take solace in that which comforts us: family, food and often fantasy. For me, my family has always been there, but as a backup there has always been fantasy. I grew up with wonderful shows like Fraggle Rock, whose title theme includes the line "Cast your cares away / worries for another day!" which I've always loved; pure escapism at its best. However, the danger lies in ignoring one's problems to cocoon oneself in fantasy - I prefer to use it as a place separate from the world where I can unwind for a little while, to get my mind back into balance and to get me ready to face my problems again. I've always had that mindset, which I think is healthy; I know that reality will always be where I spend the majority of my time, but when I need to, I can use fantasy to give my mind and soul the rest they crave and the creative boost I need to survive. Elves aside, I think that's a healthy way to go through life, especially if you read blogs like mine from last week... stress to the power of ten, thereabouts.

Nov 8 - Three Cars 

If it turns out that I have to get a car, I'd look at something small, an urban vehicle that could fit myself and a few friends; definitely not as small as a SMART though. I've done a lot of looking over the years to keep current, and I think I've narrowed my current choices down to three cars: The Fiat 500, a Mazda2 or the Honda Fit. Each offer plenty of value for the dollar and most have been on the market for a few years, so it's possible I can find a used one for a decent price. Not that I'm rushing out to buy one, but as many of you know, I like to be prepared and not be forced to make a hasty decision I'll regret later on. 

The Fiat 500 has a lot of character, but like the Mazda2 it doesn't have a lot of flexible interior room, which the Honda Fit has in spades. None of the cars have more than adequate power for their size, which coming from an old 4-cylinder 1994 GrandAm, I can appreciate and am used to. Price, value for money, size / space and fuel economy and overall style are my main considerations for purchase - whenever that is. For now, I'm content to window shop and plan. As it will likely be a used car, colour will be a toss of the dice... 

Nov 9 - MEETING MADNESS MEANS CIAO MMART ASAP. 

It was an all-day Manager's Meeting today for me, and it started out with me being 10 minutes late for a 10am 'sharp start' - not good, but unavoidable with my parent's car needs. I called ahead to say I would be late, but the CSR didn't deliver the msg - that irked me. The day went downhill from there; the meeting was FULL of hypocrisy, so much that at times I wanted to run around the room screaming and tossing paper at people. Why would I be so upset? Because my DM lauded the other temp DM's efforts in helping to stabilize our district these last 2 months AND MADE NO MENTION WHATSOEVER OF MY OWN INSANELY HARD WORK AND EFFORTS IN FRONT OF EVERYONE THERE. 

Deep breath. 

What hypocrisy, you ask? Well, ALL day long we spoke about RECOGNIZING the efforts of employees, treating them with RESPECT and ensuring they feel VALUED. Every time these phrases came up, my eye twitched and I felt like someone poked me in the stomach. It was all I could do to make it through the day with a stony, sometimes-smiling face and contribute somewhat to the discussion. I really should have just walked out, pleading illness, as I was feeling sick to my stomach by day's end. I've NEVER had to exercise such self-control as I did today, to keep from exploding - I had that zoned-out headspace feeling, where I felt like I was sitting inside a fishbowl while my emotions raged. It was bad, but I made it through without showing more than the tiniest of outward signs that I was upset. It's not yet time to leave, but I'm so close and today cinched it for me: I can no longer work for MMart. 

I did however, have a single bright spot: I'm arranging to meet with someone I've been trying to see for a while now. I'll be setting up a time and place to see her in the next week, when we'll talk and see where that leads us to next. 

Deep breath. Again. If I could have afforded to quit today, I would have.

Nov 10 - Prime Time, no Optimus - Telus About it!

Not much to say about work today, save that I got it over with and went home feeling empty - there's nothing there for me now, in any measure. I'll be leaving as soon as possible, depending on how several job applications go - I feel no sense of loyalty whatsoever. Having gone through all that I have the last 2 months for NO recognition by the company is crazy-making to me. Once I have a new job CONFIRMED, I'll be putting in my 2 weeks notice. Sad. 

Which is why I take refuge in things that make me smile, such as tech like the Transformer Prime, which is the next tablet to come down the pipe from ASUS. It's the successor to my current Transformer tablet I purchased in June 2011, and I'll likely NOT upgrade until the same time in 2012 - there's no need and I want to ensure the first batch gets all the bugs out before I buy. I usually do that with all the tech I purchase, but in the original Transformers case, I needed a laptop replacement ASAP as well as a substitute for a cell phone.


Which I had some GOOD news on this week too: I spoke to Telus again and finally got someone who knew their way around their account system. Turns out I do NOT have to pay a penalty to get a NEW phone activated on my CURRENT contract after all; given that the defective phone I was sent was returned, it cancelled any penalty for changing phones / contracts. I still HAVE to wait out the current term of my contract, but I can add in any phone I want, without penalty. So I'll watch carefully and do my research... and think about how I can poke Telus in the eye for the past year of stupidity they've shown such a long-term customer.

Nov 11 - The Gift Of Memory

Remembrance day is many things to me: honouring the dead, keeping their memories alive and giving thanks for their sacrifices. I've not had any direct family in the military, such as a brother or father or other close family member, but I've always felt a connection with the better ideals that those who choose to serve their country( and also the world )represent. It's a hard thing to put yourself in harm's way, to be ready to give your life for others... it's no wonder that duty and honour have gone hand-in-hand for as long as there has been a military tradition in the world. Which sadly has been as long as there has been war; it says a lot about our civilization's history, I think. 

Every day we live free is a gift.

Take the time to remember those who gave up their futures,

So that you could have the freedom to choose yours.

Make the most of their memory. 

Nov 12 - 7777 hits at Noon today!

This blog has seen a fair number of hits over the last 4 years, averaging 5.28 hits per day with some high and low points along the way. Today it hit a lucky number around noon: 7,777 hits! 

Now, I don't put much stock in things superstitious, but I've never been able to shake a small part of me that LIKES numbers such as that, or dates too. Just yesterday was 11 / 11 / 11, a very auspicious day for getting married across the globe, if only because it's really, really easy to remember, obviously. These little things make me smile, as they are part of the daily tapestry that we sometimes forget to pay attention to. Life's little perks and coincidences should not go unnoticed for too long, or the larger things start to lose their meaning too. Balance in everything... but not by the numbers alone. 

Which is why I spent ALL of today relaxing; a healthy dose of Spongebob and The Penguins Of Madagascar competed with naps and some writing stints to soothe my mind and soul after such a rough week. I'm no longer as bitter as I was a few days ago, just resigned to the fact that my hard work is never the 'right' kind of hard work... and that I need to work smarter, elsewhere. ASAP. 

Nov 13 - Talented Relaxation

It was a relaxing third day away from work, though again the cartoons on TV leave a lot to be desired these days - even the venerable TMNT have vanished, which is a bad sign sliding towards more Pokemon and YuGiOh, bleh. I still got in a healthy mix of relaxing today however. A few hours of Battlefield3, with one game where I was score leader( go me! the rest of the team stank! )which was good fun, as I died less and scored better than I did last time I played. 

I had lunch with a friend who was back on the Island from Vancouver, where he's pursuing a solid career in the medical field; I'm really happy he's able to do so well in that, it's quite inspiring. Not that I want to go into medicine, just that he's able to follow his dreams AND talents while making a great living.

Other talented folk I hung out with today were my NWN friends in the evening; one told a great story involving love, betrayal and dragons - never an easy mix. He pulled it off brilliantly, showing off some incredible area designs that are his hallmark( hours and hours of work there, btw! )that really showed the story off to its best advantage. The showstopper was a massive castle area called Castle Gygaxia, a nod to the late Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons and the man who made much of my childhood fantasy world possible. Hats off to Gary, and to his legacy living on in the many talented people I game with and call friends, past present and future. 

That about wraps it up - three days off work have done wonders for my mental balance and I'm feeling little now other than the growing desire to be rid of this albatross around my neck called MMart. I'll be the better for it.

Chainsaws, Change and Chest Pains

The word of the week is cardiac. 

Oct 31 - Boo.

It was the last of the double shifts today, where I am running 3 branches. Open one and close the other, that's the way it has gone the last 2 months. Too bad today's Halloween, but it doesn't matter: I never get any invites for parties out here in BC, so it's a non-even for me. No costume picked this year again anyway; I'll save Cobra Commander for next year. Again.

I do like Halloween, but I haven't had a house to decorate for visitors in over a decade. The last house I 'spookified' was when I was splitting a place with my sister in Niagara and I was still in university; yes, that long ago. I dressed up as a vampire in full makeup and costume and stood outside on the lawn, pretending to be a mannequin. I even 'tied' myself to a small tree so I could give myself a realistic 'lean' as though I was just a prop. Scare total? Fourteen kids, twenty adults and nobody over the age of forty - just in case. Everyone had a good laugh and I got to try out my terrible 'Count Dracula' impression. 

Now I just watch Halloween specials and try not to buy too much candy to eat. No doorbell, no front lawn, and no costume. Whee. Oh, and as a kid I dreamed of creating a costume from The Dark Crystal but I didn't have the skills. THIS guy did:

Nov 1st - Chest pains and a visit to the ER 

Help arrived today from ON: a BM named Linda came in to assist me on a midshift after I opened the downtown branch. A good thing too; I had been having chest pains since I awoke today, sharp and random and worrying. There were NO other signs of them being cardiac-related, such as numbness or sweating... but my worry grew as the day went on past lunch and they kept returning. Sharper and more painful; I bruised my chest from pressing my hand into it for so hard and so long, as that seemed to help. A bit. 

So I handed things over to Linda( that took almost 2 hrs, btw; I wasn't impressed )and took a cab over to Emergency at the Jubilee Hospital at 3pm. I was admitted quickly, as chest pains are high priority - thanks. Two ECG tests and a blood test later saw me cleared of any suspicious heart troubles, but the doctor could not pin down what exactly it was. He suggested stress as a major factor( obviously )and perhaps some inflamed chest wall muscles; an Advil a day for a few weeks should keep the ER away. Ha, ha. Only not all that funny - glad I am still here and able to laugh.

I didn't get much of a reaction from my DM, after telling him I was headed to the hospital OR after I headed home late in the evening. That, I think, disappointed me more than anything else today. 

Time to leave, on my own, while I don't need an ambulance. 

Nov 2 - Four Years( plus a day )in BC! 

Well, it's been four years now. Four years since my family and I left ON to move to BC, leaving behind many friends and others of our extended family, along with all that we knew of this country. For myself, I had never been to BC before stepping on a plane that day; it was a huge change that I hoped would lead to better things for us all. 

Four years later, that's mostly come true, but not without much stress, struggle and heartache. So, no real change from ON, save for the pace. 

My family is taken care of now, so that I don't have to worry much about their futures - my parents retirement or my sister's prosperity, really. As for me, it's been a strange ride; I have few friends out here in BC, for various reasons, but I do not feel the lack most days, given my mental state. Which is one that deals with stress, and heartache, and loneliness every waking hour. Along with joy, growing stability and a new-found( yet tentative )balance while looking towards the future. 

A future that is closer now more than ever. I'm looking forward to changing jobs, kicking my writing career into high gear, holding out my hand to offer love, and to try to get ahead in a financial sense so that my stress levels will drop all the more. I've been through a lot, accomplished some impressive things, and still feel I have a LOT more to do very soon, for a very long time. 

Not bad for four years, looking back. Now, I'm looking forward again. 

Nov 3 - Um, I'm okay - thanks for asking?

Some more help arrived today from ON, a CSR named Melissa... who I was told was 'Michelle' - typical MMart efficiency and accuracy, that. Anyway, she was there for the mid-shift as support, so that I actually got a fair bit accomplished today. Plus I had a couple of breaks and didn't feel like I'd been trampled by rhinos by the end of the day. It was such a welcome change that I almost felt energetic by the time I got home; weird feeling, that, given Tuesday's event. 

Yet there was still little reaction across the board from most of my co-workers and friends alike, which irked me somewhat. I'm not a drama queen and I tend to downplay my problems, but if I say I'm going to the hospital with CHEST PAINS, you think more than one single person would ask how I was over the next few days. Nope. That's disappointing; disheartening too, if you'll pardon the pun. I don't like to worry people, but hell... next time I'll update my FBook status with 'In hospital with chest pains. Doc getting back to me about open heart surgery. Going to ask for gorilla's heart, as I like bananas.' Maybe that will spark a few people to ask about my health... ? Maybe? Who knows... 

Nov 4 - TGIF ...

Just your typical Friday working; since I had help again for the evening, I again managed to get most of my work accomplished - like doing payroll. Total time I spent at work for the last 2 weeks: 112.5 hours. Insane. Sure, it means more money... but that's like juggling live chainsaws for gold coins: you can only spend them if you survive. I mean to spend time, not money, on my future... hopefully with someone special and MOST assuredly doing something ELSE. ASAP.

I'm just glad to be HOME tonight, with the WHOLE weekend OFF. No calls, no work-stress - everything I could THINK of( and a few things on top )was taken care of during the week, so that I can simple ignore the phone for the next 48 hours. It will be a blissful, peaceful, stress-free ignorance, all told: the best kind.

Nov 5 - Fellowship

Not quite the whole weekend off, as it turns out. I was woken at 6:36am by my work cell; the CSR scheduled today had food poisoning from last night... along with everyone from the bowling alley she went out with. Unpleasant. And not conducive to working whilst tossing one's cookies. Unsurprised, I watched an hour of early morning cartoons before resignedly getting ready for the day... but I DID call the only other CSR in the region whom I KNEW had the day off and wanted to work. Turns out he could come in at noon. 

So I worked until a little after lunch, then handed things over gratefully and went home. Where I popped in a brand-new copy of The Fellowship Of The Ring Bu-Ray( Extended Edition )and whiled away the afternoon in the comfortable fantasy world of Tolkien. It sounded and looked amazing on my new TV system, which I tweaked continuously as the moving evening went on - such things make me happy. Maybe it's the sense of control? Perhaps. 

Nov 6 - In passing... regret.

No phone calls today, thankfully. Just a blissful breakfast... broken by sad news that my Uncle Vince had passed, after a long struggle with illness and with debilitation of the mind. His was a gentle, loving soul that was tied to his wife's as few others I have known; they knew each other since they were small children and were always part of each others lives - inspiring. My uncle had a capacious memory for history and art, and was a talented woodcarver - he could create felines from wood that were so graceful you would believe they had been carved by the spirits of the wood themselves. I regret to this day( and ever after )that I never took the time to have him teach me that subtle art; while I am not skilled with most things, I do love to work wood whenever I can, however poorly my tools and my skills will allow. Regrets. 

The rest of the day was turned towards relaxation with friends, via the arena of Battlefield3: many booms were made of foes and friends alike. I found myself enjoying myself a fair deal, as I've managed to ignore the frustration of constantly losing by immersing myself in the experience of co-operative gameplay. Along with learning how to come closer to winning each time too. 

No links this week, just a sketch of how things wound down, after winding up on the 1st of the month. The ball is in play and we shall see where it falls...